60: Tightening Things Up

So I've been at this for 60 days now. I'm still hanging in there and doing okay, even with the occasional temptation to listen to mouth hunger instead of tummy hunger. One thing I've been grappling with is the abundant availability of holiday fudge. It is quite appealing. I'm getting better at only eating small amounts when I'm hungry.

I do need to rein my portions back in just a bit, not that I'm eating a lot but they are a bit bigger than they were for the first 30 days or so. I need to get fully back into the groove. And I will, because it's onward, not backward. I don't intend to go back to the disordered eating of the past. This freedom is so much better than the old way of living.

52: After Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was awesome, in spite of car issues that stranded us at home and necessitated a most daring and spectacular rescue by Trevor. We all went to Nana & Papa's for dinner and were all together at least for a little while before Luke had to go to work. We really enjoyed the time together, and of course the food was amazing. I think I probably ate to a 5 (full but not over-full), whereas I normally eat to a 3 or 4 while I'm releasing excess weight. But I still seem to be on track, so all is well. Thanksgiving leftovers are a weakness for me, so I've been making the effort to stay obedient and delay eating any extra amount until the next meal.

One thing I was sharply reminded of a couple of days ago--Sunday, I think, when we went straight from church over to help the kids move and then I came home and cooked and took supper back over there for everyone--was that I cannot go long periods of time without eating. My tummy shrinks even further, and it makes it really hard to digest what I eat. When I feel like I'm starving, I eat too fast, too, which isn't good. The other issue is when I eat late at night I wake up feeling like I ate rocks. Not a good feeling. So lessons learned. Moving on.

45: The Might to Write, and to Protest Slavery Thinking

I may have mentioned before that I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones (again). I had forgotten how inspiring her writings are, and the fact that this was her first book is pretty amazing. Funny how it isn't outdated in the least even though it came out in the 80's. The principles are timeless.

The great thing about writing is that it transcends time, age, season, personality, and situation. It heals, it soothes, it expresses, it rejuvenates, it validates all of us. Not surprisingly, I'm finding such expression to be critically important in this TW journey.

Something that really weighs on me (no pun intended) is the way people constantly refer to some foods as sinful, or sinfully good, or the way they mention that something is unfortunately not fat-free. As though anything with sugar, or fat, or carbs, or whatever else that might be delicious must, by virtue of its lovely taste, be destructive for our bodies (and subsequently for our weight management plans). Well, folks, I'm going out on a limb here, but in my opinion, this is just plain slavery thinking! And I, for one, refuse to be enslaved to ANYTHING save for Christ alone!

I see no reason to discriminate outside one's own personal taste preferences (or medical restrictions) to dub one food righteous and another sinful. God made food to taste delicious, and He made us with taste buds for a reason! I believe it was just another way for us to enjoy His lovely creation. Everything in moderation. Eat between 0 and 5, simple as that.

And with that, I am heading to the kitchen to get the bacon cheeseburgers out of the oven.

43: Details, Readers, and Attitude

I've been thinking a lot about details. I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, and I love the simplicity in her "formula" for being true to oneself as a writer: Just be real and tell your stories in detail. Sounds a lot like the way I've written for years, but it's nice hearing a best-selling author validate what I've been doing. Maybe one day I'll sell a book, too.

A very sweet young lady walked up to me at an event last night and, with a sheepish expression stated, "Hey, I read your blog." She grinned and blushed as though it was some sort of confession. I could have smooched her on the cheek right then and there. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize what music that is to a writer's ears, especially one who sometimes wonders why she even bothers to put into print the craziness going on in her heart and mind. The ironic thing is that she is at least the third person in the past month to say that to me. In the few words it takes to let me know someone reads my writing, the reason I write is handed back to me with a bow on top. It's why I blog, why I write a column, and why I will one day write a book. Maybe several.

I wore my favorite capris this morning to church. They are 10's, but for some reason are smaller than some of my 8's that I could already wear. It was fun wearing them again.

One thing I'm realizing more and more each day is the huge impact it has on me just having a different outlook on my own image, on my own appearance to myself and others. It's almost startling how different I feel about how others perceive me. It isn't like I've dropped 50 lbs. but I've probably dropped 10 or 15, but I find myself feeling and acting like I've dropped 50, and just with that attitude I feel like a million bucks. It will be fun to see how it feels when I actually get down that far.

Last night and this morning as people were exclaiming over my new, shorter hairstyle, I heard comments about how the different style makes me look younger. What I resisted the urge to tell them was that weight loss also takes years off my life, but until they start noticing that part themselves I don't want to bring it up. It's always nicer when other people notice and mention it. I think that goes back to my dad telling me when I was little not to fish for compliments. My whole life I've been afraid of saying something that would sound like I was fishing for someone to say something nice about me. As a result I wind up completely missing compliments when they happen because if I even acknowledge them at all, I tend to explain them away (even if just inwardly). Maybe that will get better later on.

40: Who I Really Am

I don't think the "Ransomed Heart" reading that dropped into my email box this morning was a coincidence.

We are not what we were meant to be, and we know it. If, when passing a stranger on the street, we happen to meet eyes, we quickly avert our glance. Cramped into the awkward community of an elevator, we search for something, anything to look at instead of each other. We fear to be seen. But think for a moment about the millions of tourists who visit ancient sites like the Parthenon, the Colosseum, and the Pyramids. Though ravaged by time, the elements, and vandals through the ages, mere shadows of their former glory, these ruins still awe and inspire. Though fallen, their glory cannot be fully extinguished. There is something at once sad and grand about them. And such we are. Abused, neglected, vandalized, fallen-we are still fearful and wonderful. We are, as one theologian put it, "glorious ruins." But unlike those grand monuments, we who are Christ's have been redeemed and are being renewed as Paul said, "day by day," restored in the love of God.

Could it be that we, all of us, the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and the passed over and picked on, really possess hidden greatness? Is there something in us worth fighting over? The fact that we don't see our own glory is part of the tragedy of the Fall; a sort of spiritual amnesia has taken all of us. Our souls were made to live in the Larger Story, but as Chesterton discovered, we have forgotten our part:

We have all read in scientific books, and indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. . . . We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. (Orthodoxy)

(The Sacred Romance , 92, 94 )

I've been pondering these words for more than an hour, and I'm sure I will continue to think about them throughout the day (and probably well beyond), particularly in light of the transformation God is working within me.

Ironically (or maybe not so), last night I caught a "random" phrase from a speaker on the radio. I don't even remember the topic of the talk, but the phrase that jumped out at me was, "Grace always invites connection." These two messages seem to fit together in an almost divine sort of way, like two pieces of the same present hidden in different places for me to find and connect. The resulting message for my heart is what I will be working on wording today.

39: Birthday Post

I turned 47 today. I don't feel any different from yesterday, but I feel a LOT different from two months ago. A lot better, specifically.

I made a huge pot of Autumn Soup and two loaves of homemade honey wheat bread for dinner. Steve, Matt, and I enjoyed our dinner together. Rosie will eat when she gets home from dance, and Trevor may be coming by later after IO. I ate a few bites of scrambled egg and two slices of maple bacon for breakfast. Had a slice of pizza for lunch, and then a small bowl of soup and a couple bites of bread for dinner. Even on the rare occasion that my taste buds aren't keen on stopping after a small amount, my tummy and brain win out and I don't overeat. I haven't overeaten in nearly 40 days, and I feel so much better it's hard to describe it.

37: Moving Along

Steve and I enjoyed our evening walk. Matt is at Jeff's and Rosie was at dance, so it was just the two of us.

I haven't read any more since Saturday, so I'll try to read some tonight when I go to bed (which will be soon, since I am pretty tired and I'm teaching tomorrow morning).

Intuitive eating is going well. I had half of a quesadilla for lunch, then half of a chicken sandwich for supper, and I even managed to only snag a couple of mushrooms and a bite of steak from the Texas Roadhouse leftovers Laura brought us tonight. That will be a terrific lunch for tomorrow.

35: Free To Risk

I'm enjoying reading Thin Again. Right now I'm reading a section called "Free to Risk". Very interesting. It's talking about breaking the cycles of pain from our childhood and past hurts and allowing God to bring healing so that we don't continue to seek healing from the wrong sources. Nothing and no one heals like the Lover of our Souls.

34: A Bit of Back Story

Tidbits:

• My tummy is growling loudly. Guess it's time for breakfast.
• A cool thing happened this morning. I noticed that my watch is turning around loosely on my wrist. That hasn't happened in years.

On to the Back Story

I thought I would share a bit of "back story" on my journey, as shared with a friend this morning.

Ten years ago I went from 205 down to 137 using the TW principles, and it's the ONLY time in my life (until now) when I truly loved myself and saw myself as worthy of anyone's love or affection or even notice. I have serious emotional baggage from an abusive, dysfunctional childhood that God has truly delivered me from, and TW is a big part of that deliverance.

I gained up to about 150 and stayed there for about five years. Then my mother died, and I slowly over the next five years gained back up to around 185. Wrong direction, and my self-image issues started showing up again, only this time it was more apathy than loathing. Both are destructive and NOT God's plan for His daughters! So I am so glad He put me back on the path with TW a bit over a month ago. It is making such a huge difference. I've gone from a size 16 back down to a 12 and I'm not far from a 10 (some 10's fit me, but not all yet).

I don't know how much I weigh right now because I hate the scale, but about three weeks ago just a couple of weeks into TW I was at around 181 and I know I've lost more since then. I would be happy to get back to 150 or so even, but I want to depend on God for my ideal size. I looked and felt GREAT at 140 (my mother told me she couldn't believe I weighed that much, so I must have carried it pretty well) so personally I would love to be back to 140 if God wills it. It's still more than "the experts" say I should weigh for my height (5'2"), but I know how I looked and felt then, and I'd love that. :)

I was once the queen of internal hateful dialogue. I got way too good at it, but I am so glad to say not only am I not SAYING it any more, I'm not FEELING it any more! The only reason I will never do another "diet" (unless of course a health issue requires it--which hopefully won't happen with my health improving dramatically since being back on the TW path) is that they DO NOT WORK, especially for me. If I'm counting calories/fat grams/carbs or depriving myself of any one food or drink or focusing on food in any fashion, it sabotages what God wants to do in me. I love the feature of Thin Within where each daily reading section has a "Medical Moment" with interesting and helpful facts about the way the body works by God's design and how this all fits together. I don't ever plan to do another diet. TW is the only way I have ever "succeeded", and the lifestyle fits me like a glove. I couldn't be happier with it.

It's much harder to stop the negative self-talk than meets the eye, and I believe the reason for that is because the heart it's springing from has to change first. Here's one way to think about it: say for example your child as a teen for whatever reason has decided he hates you. You can do everything in the world to persuade him that it hurts you, that it hurts God, that it hurts him, that it isn't nice, that it isn't accurate, that he is wrong, that he is misunderstanding, etc. You can force him to be nice to you because you are the parent with the "power" to punish. But true change won't take place until his heart changes toward you and love replaces hate naturally.

The same applies to your self-loathing. You can train yourself not to say mean things about yourself. You can stand in front of the mirror and repeat the mantras "I am beautiful." "I am God's child." "God doesn't make junk, so I am not junk" Blah, blah, blah. It might "train" you not to say those things as often, but you will still think them inwardly (which isn't much improvement, save for the fact that you're not annoying everyone around you LOL). The REAL change will happen when you STOP loathing yourself and you stop WANTING to say those things. That is real liberation! :)

33: Oh, JOY!

A friend of mine on the opposite corner of the country is sending me clothing in sizes I will be in very soon! I am stoked! Not only will I not be having to dress in tents with drawstring necklines, I won't have to go nekkid! (I know there will be MANY who will rejoice with exceeding great joy over this.)

32: Thin Again

I finished Thin Within this morning and got started on Thin Again. I was chatting with some friends today and I mentioned Thin Within. Someone quipped that it's better than the alternative. To which I responded (obviously without much thought), "What? Stout Without?" It made me laugh, and then I got to thinking that I'm really glad to be able to laugh about this journey I'm on, when just over a month ago I was feeling about as helpless and hopeless as humanly possible.

I noticed while going over the closing questionnaires in the TW book that my answers had definitely changed for the better, pretty much across the board. My relationship with God, my relationship with myself, my relationship with food--all have improved.

I wouldn't say my relationship with God was suffering, at least not overtly, but it isn't hard to see how bringing my eating habits under control and putting the focus back where it should be has enriched and fused the bond between us.

My feelings about myself have markedly changed. I think it goes way deeper than me just being glad I'm not as "fluffy" as I was before. I'm wondering if me liking myself more has more to with the fact that I allowed God to do a work in me that He has been wanting to do, has been waiting until I was ready for it in the aftermath of my mother's death. Maybe it's partly because I know my health is going to be better for this, and I stand a better chance of being around for my kids and not contributing to the likelihood of my children losing their mother too young. I think those are the real reasons why I like me more.

As for my relationship with food, it is back to simply being fuel for my body. Not a sedative, not a comforter, not a drug to dull sadness or grief or lack of understanding, not a cure for boredom, not something to do while I watch TV or work on the computer. Just fuel. Tasty and enjoyable, but fuel nonetheless. It just doesn't have quite the appeal it did and doesn't fill gaps it was never meant to fill. It isn't replacing God in any area of my life. I would say that is a much improved relationship.

Day 31? Do I keep counting? :)

Yesterday was not a very productive day for me regarding tasks I wanted to complete throughout the day. In other words, I didn't do the reading I planned to do. I will do my best to catch up on that tonight.

Today was just another day in a more healthy and productive lifestyle. Normal, natural, right. I am so thankful for God's nudge to pick up Thin Within from my bookshelf, and for the courage and will to and obey His promptings to move in the right direction. I believe my life has been (and will continue to be) changed for the better, which means my family's lives will be, too. I think that is a very good thing.

The Finale, Day 30

I'm finishing up the reading from Day 29 and then I will read Day 30 and finish up the TW book. Tomorrow I will start Thin Again.

These are tough emotional times here. Today I've actually been tempted to "medicate" with junk food or candy (something I haven't done in over a month). I won't, but I can very easily see why I did it before. My sweets consumption has been all but nonexistent in the past month, simply because I haven't truly wanted sweets very many times. The only sweet things I have really wanted were my sweetened coffee, Pepsi, and McDonalds' mocha frappes. I've had a few fraps, but not too many over the course of TW. I've even spread out my Pepsi drinking quite a bit. I still don't like water.

By the way, I do intend to continue blogging my journey, if not every day then as often as possible. I know I've not yet learned all God has for me to learn. After all, this is a LIFE, not a PROGRAM. This may be the end of the book, but it is far from the end of my journey. I've only begun.

Day 29

Wow, one more day! I feel like I am well on my way in a positive direction along the path of the Abundant Life. It's incredible how good I feel.

I read today, but I'm still a day behind so I'll be doing today's reading tonight so I can greet tomorrow and do tomorrow's reading and finish out the book. Then, it's on to Thin Again.

I noted today that I have to be careful not to ignore hunger for too long, and to always have something handy to eat when I do get hungry. Otherwise my head-hunger gets overzealous and "wants" to overeat. I didn't let it, but it did make me aware of the potential for a problem so I'd rather avoid that situation.

I do have a bit of a challenge coming up next Sunday. We are going to our former church's birthday celebration and "dinner on the grounds", and let me just say these people have a long-standing reputation for being AMAZING cooks. So yeah, there will be a temptation to eat past 5 (and I almost always eat to 3 or maybe 4). I'll be praying about that all week. Wonder if they'd mind if I take a go-box and bring some home to enjoy later. :)

Day 28

Busy day today. Didn't get to read, but I'll catch up tomorrow. Everything went well today.

Day 27 - His Timing Is Perfect

Surprisingly, I caught up on my reading last night. None too soon, either, with four days left in the 30-day "program". I plan to move right on to the Thin Again book afterward.

I guess the upside to having had a seriously emotional week is the blessing of having come through it without being derailed regarding the intuitive eating and focus on God that I've been working to maintain in TW. The weird thing is that I haven't so much as thought of overeating. It has become a foreign concept to me, actually so distasteful an idea that it doesn't occur to me to do so. It would only be making an already bad situation worse.

I'd really like to be less stressed. My daughter wrote on her Facebook last night that she wants to be worry-free again. That made me cry. If anyone in this world deserves to not be stressed out, it's her. God bless her precious heart. She inspires me every day.

I'm wearing jeans I haven't worn in so long I can't remember the last time. The kids and I went for a walk earlier and enjoyed the cool weather and the breeze. I'm sure my quietness was probably a bit of a downer for them, but they didn't complain. I'm a lucky mom.

God has such a cool way of working things out in the perfect timing. I didn't think I was going to catch up on my reading, but I did last night. Today, the reading (the one meant for today, which I wouldn't have seen today had I not caught up) was spot-on for things I'm dealing with right now. I've had that happen often with Beth Moore's books and studies, but it still caught me by surprise this time. I love the way He reaches in and speaks to me through things I read, and the circumstances under which such times occur I presume is just part of his Great Mystery.

A couple of times I've started to reach for something and pop it in my mouth because it was there and I like it. Both times, I said (out loud, even, I think), "Nope. I don't eat when I'm not truly hungry." It was quick and easy and so natural I almost didn't even make much note of it until just now as I was writing about my day.

Did I mention that I'm loving wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear in years? I only have a couple of pairs of pants left in the top of the closet that still won't quite fit. Once I get below 12's, my choices will be a little more limited since I didn't keep very many of my size 8 or 10 clothes. The last time I lost all that weight and got down to a 6-8, I lucked out and a friend was getting rid of two giant outdoor garbage bags full of all size 8 clothes. She literally handed me an entire wardrobe. What a blessing! I know God will provide again. I'm looking forward to having that problem. I can't wait until I can fit into my favorite size 8 denim skirt.

I put my engagement ring back on with my wedding band today. For a while I couldn't even wear the band, but a while back I was able to put it back on. A couple of weeks ago I added back the sapphire ring my mother bought me, and my engagement ring today. 

Day 26 - What Is REAL?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" 

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled. 

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

Much of this passage was quoted in my TW reading this morning. It's one of my favorite pieces of literature ever. It speaks volumes to my heart, and I have thought about it often throughout my life. It rings true and...well, real.

Four days left in the actual program for me. I doubt I will catch up with the reading by Day 30, but I will continue to read through to the end of the book (I'm about five "days" behind). After I finish the book, I will go on to Thin Again, which I picked up a few years ago and put on a shelf. I'm glad I have it to continue on with and reinforce the TW principles through reading for a bit longer.

Yesterday's reading was about forgiving and moving forward in the freedom and lightness of forgiveness. The big things from my past I've forgiven. Recent things, maybe not so completely, but I'm working on it. It's hard to forgive a person or people for a situation you can't describe or even begin to understand. I know complete understanding is only God's, but having a better grip on the deeper parts of the situation would go a long way toward helping me let it go.

It has really been impressed upon me today how much better I feel all the time when I'm not overeating at all. I remember ten years ago reading the statement that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and thinking it was one of the tritest-sounding statements I'd ever heard. I've found it to be spot-on, though. Absolutely true.

It has rained most of the day today, which has made an otherwise sad day a little bit happier for me. I so adore the rain.

Day 25

A good friend and I were talking yesterday about body image, and it struck me how far-reaching and destructive other people's comments can be. Do people really listen when they talk? Do they not realize that a silly comment like, "Wow, I didn't know you wore THAT size..." can stick with a girl and speak defeat and ugliness into her heart and mind for years after the commenter has forgotten what she said? And the crazy thing is, the insult doesn't even have to be based in truth! Truth be known, most comments like that are usually based more on jealousy and/or envy than on actual truth, but to the hearer, they can grow barbs that stubbornly hold fast well into the future. It blows my mind the things people speak into the lives of others with so little care and concern for the long-term effects.

The reading I've been doing for the past couple of days has been regarding the things we hold over our own heads, unable to forgive ourselves or accept God's forgiveness. I know there are things deep within the recesses of my childhood memories that I still blame on myself, particularly something that happened to me on a date at age 15 that I should have tried to stop long before I did try and it was too late. I know God doesn't hold that over me, but for 32 years I've held it over myself, if only in subtle ways beneath the surface. It's no wonder why I've had such trouble believing I deserve to be the size God created me to be.

One last observation for today. I've been noticing that ads or photos or hearing about certain really yummy foods sometimes comes close to derailing me. Most of the time I do just fine only eating when I'm truly hungry. Once in a while, though, I can see a picture or hear a commercial, or even just see a recipe for something and it makes me want it. Like now, for instance. I just saw a photo of a chocolate cupcake, so I'm craving homemade chocolate butter cream frosting. So what I've been doing is making little notes of those things that pop out of nowhere and tempt my taste buds, to store the information for later when I AM hungry. Most of the time, these things are too much trouble to make to be worth the effort. Maybe I'll make some frosted brownies or something and cut them into small pieces and refrigerate them so they'll last. I'm sure my family won't complain about me making them, and I'll get to enjoy one when I'm really hungry.

Day 24

In the TW book I keep seeing mention of how sometimes we choose our own way instead of God's, with examples like "eating that third doughnut", or "eating a whole package of cookies at once". What's crazy is that the notion of eating that much at once is now so foreign to me it makes me wonder how I ever used to eat what I ate. And this goes back a good ten years, since after my tummy shrinkage the first time I did TW I was never able to eat nearly as much as I had before. But now? I find myself asking, do people really eat three doughnuts or a whole package of cookies at one time? I know that sounds silly, but I honestly sit here wondering that when I read those things.

This isn't me being self-righteous--this is me being incredulous. I'm lucky if I eat HALF of a doughnut, and one cookie is plenty. Even if I wanted more than that, my tummy wouldn't hold it. I get that same feeling of disbelief when I watch TV or see billboards depicting people with meals the size most restaurants serve. That's like four or five (if not more) meals in a single plate! I will definitely have to ask for a go-box along with my meal the next time we go out to eat, although lately Steve and I have been sharing meals a lot so we will likely continue to do that. It's silly to order two or three times the food we need.

I have to say I am glad that very rarely do I even think I might want more than, say, half a cup to one cup of food at any given time. Even on those rare occasions where I think I might want more than that, I always end up eating less than I thought I wanted. I remember the first time I did TW, even in the first couple of weeks into the program I would eat half the food on my plate and push the plate away and say, "Okay, God, this is yours."

Day 23

Winding down to the last week of the "program", although thankfully the lifestyle goes on. I've seen some quick changes, but mostly gradual ones. I feel a lot better physically and mentally, and most importantly I know I'm on the right track for lifelong positive change. I feel God's presence with me every moment, and thank Him for His blessings large and small. My life is a prayer to Him, and I want that to be my lifestyle forever.

Dealing with some rough days emotionally, but God is in control.

Day 22

I would've missed my date window for posting this actually on the 31st if my time zone wasn't set wrong. Busy day. Emotional struggles today, some hormonal and some situational. Eating went fine today. God continues to hold us up, always.

Day 21

Having a wonderful time visiting our friends in Palm Coast. God continues to watch over me and take care of me in decisions regarding food. He is ever faithful.

Day 20

Don't have much time to write. Busy day, and we're off to PC to see some great friends. Everything is going great, though. I've decided to stop listing my food and activity here. I'm putting it into my journal since it's really just for my own recollection anyway. Besides, TW isn't about worrying about those things! Hopefully I will have time to update tomorrow so I don't miss a day. :P

Oh! And remember those jeans I bought really cheap and put away until I lost some more weight? I wore them today. :)

Day 19

Nearly two-thirds through the 30-day program. Hard to believe. I'm still a few days behind on my reading, but I will catch up on the trip to Palm Coast on Saturday.

I can always thinking of all these interesting and insightful things I want to say until I sit down to blog them. Gah.

Hold up! I can almost feel my jawline without pressing down! Dude!

Dailies:

Food:

• 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 1-cup meal (homemade Chik-n Mini and fried potatoes)

Activity: Walked for 30 min.

Day 18

I was musing just now about how marvelous a single chocolate chip cookie can be. Did I even notice the food I was eating before? Did I have any cognizance of its taste or texture? I'm definitely noticing now.

I'm working out my feelings about food. I went from being too interested to hardly interested at all. Now I need to find a healthy, happy place of appreciation for it without idolizing it. I'm looking forward to really enjoying cooking again, once that balance comes. I don't hate food in general, but the thought of eating very much of it at once grosses me out. And by "very much", I mean anything more than a cup at once; even that much makes me feel "full" and I've grown to strongly dislike that feeling.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 1 chocolate chip cookie 
• 1/2 cup meal (fried potatoes with mozzarella and gravy)

Activity: Walked for 30 min.

Day 17 (my other favorite number)

I was reading last night about the three hecklers to one's dedication to the "Path of God's Provision" (as opposed to the "Path of Your Performance"), named as Larry the Legalist, Maureen the Manipulator, and Abigail the Achiever. Larry spouts all the legalistic jargon that slows progress and confuses focus. Maureen tries to twist all of the TW principles into diet-termed pedagogy. Abigail takes all the credit away from God and puts it on herself, taking all the glory for how God is allowing her to progress. The reader is warned, obviously, to steer clear of the interference of all three nuisances.

I was thinking through each heckler as I read, and noting that I didn't seem to be having any trouble with the first two. When Abigail popped up, I started wondering if maybe I haven't been overtly giving God enough glory and praise for what He is doing in me. I did feel like I stalled a little bit in how great I was feeling and how quickly I was noting changes in my body, although there's a good chance that was either hormonal, a natural temporary stall, or some combination of the two. Regardless, it certainly doesn't hurt to take a mental inventory of how much praise I am giving God, whether to others or just inwardly in my own thinking.

I felt a little full-ish tonight after dinner because I drank tea along with dinner. With so little room in my tummy, there usually isn't much space for a drink and food at the same time. I had just made the tea, and was it ever good. I probably should've waited a bit before drinking any, though. I didn't eat very much, but with the tea it was still too much.

One of the interesting things I noted while reading about Larry was a mention of keeping track of every minute of exercise. I'm not sure if that indicates that I shouldn't be noting how much exercise I'm getting, or if it really matters as long as I'm not using that as an expectation of myself (or back-pats for what "I" am doing). Then again, maybe I am doing that without even meaning to. I have been pretty excited about the regular physical activity because I know it's good for me. I really only intended to keep a written record of the food and activity for the first thirty days, anyway. I doubt it would do me much good on a long-term basis, since I will know what I'm doing and that's what matters.

That said, I have found it interesting going back over the listings of what I've eaten along with the amount of exercise. One of the most sobering things for me has been the comparison between what I eat in a day now, and what I was eating in a day before getting back on the TW path. Even as sporadic as my eating was before, it was still obviously far more than my body really needs. I probably eat less than a fourth of what I ate before, and by following natural hunger signs and taste indications I've found that sweets have almost completely disappeared from my "diet". I truly eat what I want, but I find that I genuinely don't want those things. The only "sweet" things I find that I look forward to are coffee, sweet tea, and the occasional (but rare) Frappuccino.


Dailies:

Food:

• 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 1/2 cup chicken fajita filling
• 1-cup meal (Polish sausage, green beans, pasta)

Activity: Walked for 30 min.

Day 16

I haven't read in the past couple of days. So much for catching up. :)

I feel like I hit a bit of an emotional wall over the past couple of days. Nothing else has really changed, so it could just be my hormones wigging out. I seem to vaguely remember hitting such a wall the first time around with this, though. I'm going to keep trusting that God is doing a good thing here, and just keep being faithful to HIm knowing He will always be faithful to me.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 1/4 Chik-Fil-A sandwich
• 1-cup meal (chicken breast, pasta)

Activity: Walked for 40 min.

Day 15

We spent the day in Brandon today. We did our walk around the outside of the mall, at a pretty brisk pace. I'm definitely not used to walking at that time of day--too hot!--but I was really glad when we pulled into our driveway at 9pm that our walk was already done for the day.

I think part of my problem with the anger about the food was really a hormonal issue. I have a couple of days a month that I just have a really tough time hormonally and emotionally. Man, that was rough. It's amazing what an EPO, a good night's sleep, and a lot of prayer can do. That was day 9 of my cycle, just for the record. Might be interesting to see if it occurs on the same day next month.

Another thing I discovered over the past day or two is that my mind turns to food when I'm bored or stressed. So it isn't just grief that was playing havoc with my eating habits. That's good information to have. Uploading large photo albums to a fussy website is where boredom and stress meet head on, and that is exactly where I was most of the day yesterday. I'm finishing the upload this evening, and so far things have gone better (for which I am very grateful!). With God's help, though, I have maintained and haven't strayed off the path He has me (back) on. He is pretty danged awesome.

Dailies:

Food:

• Small slice of thin-crust pepperoni pizza
• 1-cup meal (orange chicken, string bean chicken with onions)

Activity: Walked for (at least) 30 min.
TIW181-5

Day 14 Ends Week 2

I've had a couple of pretty tough days hormonally, which is normal for me. I think I was subconsciously hoping all my hormonal woes would disappear with being back on track. Oh, well. Maybe eventually. Guess I shouldn't be surprised, and definitely shouldn't complain, since considering my age it's a miracle I'm not in the throes of menopause yet. Ack. Don't even want to think about that.

Today was the first time since I started two weeks ago that I actually felt a desire to eat something just because my mouth wanted it even though my tummy wasn't hungry. It was thin crust pepperoni pizza, fresh from the oven, and it smelled and looked amazing. I wrapped up a piece for later, but didn't give in and eat it like I wanted to.

I think I had reached a point where I thought I was going to get to skip the part where temptation was really tough to grapple with. I haven't felt that this whole time until now. This is also the first pang of self-pity I've experienced over not being able to just pig out without caring like so many people seem to be able to do--some with seemingly little if any consequences. If not pig out, at least eat a teeny flipping piece of pizza just because it looks and smells great! I actually feel a little bit angry, but I'll get over it. There were bound to be hard parts.

Dailies:

Food:

• 2/3 Chik-Fil-A sandwich, 1 waffle fry
• 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers

Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.

Lucky 13

Day Thirteen--my favorite number.

Today seems to be going by a little too quickly. I'm not quite ready for it to be nearly 3:30pm. I'm almost caught up on the days' readings in the TW book. I think I'm like one day behind now, which isn't bad. I'll probably cover that tonight. I have to get all of my photography files ready for uploading to the printer for the art festival by Monday, so I'll need to make time for that.

I was reading in the TW book about lies we believe from the Enemy that contribute to our weight being out of whack. It listed several, and at one time or another I've believed (and lived out that belief) every single one. No wonder I was larger than life. I tried on a pair of the size 8 jean capris again yesterday, and they weren't quite as tight as the day before. I won't be doing that every day; I just felt like seeing if there was any change. I wish they'd had a pair of 10's, because I'm pretty sure I could wear those comfortably now. Who knew?

I decided not to continue pushing water on myself, and not just because it's unpleasant. I was reading about how it really isn't mandatory to have a set amount of water per day (like I've always heard), and if I'm sticking with my body's signals, natural hunger, and natural thirst, why would I force down water that makes me want to puke? It isn't like I'm consuming large quantities of other drinks, either. When I'm thirsty, I drink something. Seems like that's the way it should be, just like with eating.

I discovered today that a one-cup meal is really too much at once. I also discovered that I don't like the way soda makes me feel all bloaty, so I doubt I'll be drinking much Pepsi except for maybe a sip here and there. Eventually I probably won't even want it any more.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 1/2 cup Teriyaki chicken
• 1-cup meal (chicken fajitas with nacho chips)

Activity:

And Then They Were 12

Twelve days on the right track, and it's going really well. I'm feeling great, and I find my general outlook is positive most of the time. I'm far less stressed than what had become the norm for me, which is a blessing all its own. I'm enjoying reading the TW book, although I'm still not "caught up". I may take my book with me tonight since I will be doing some reading anyway. Then again, I may peruse Barnes & Noble for some other books on intuitive eating, just in the interest of variety.

We are spending the evening in Brandon this evening, so we'll need to find a way to get our walk in while we're out since we won't be home until pretty late.

______________

We ended up walking in the Wal-Mart parking lot. We had a really fun evening together.

Dailies:
Food:

• 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 4 Chik-Fil-A nuggets and 3 waffle fries
• 1/4 chocolate chunk cookie
• 1 Arby's chicken tender

Water: 16 oz.

Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.

Day Eleven

I will only be numbering the days for the first 30 days, then I can go on to more clever and catchy titles.

I'm finding myself amused by how little food my body is calling for. I didn't get a tummy growl until noon today, and then didn't get another one until 3:15 and when I ate at 3:15 I had like two or three bites of a deli meat and cheese roll and that was all I wanted. Oh, and I had a curly fry about the size of the end of my thumb. Anyway, when I think of how much food I was eating before, it kind of blows my mind. I wasn't stuffing myself, but gosh, I was eating WAY more than I am now. *sigh*

Then again, for the past 11 days, I've been eating a fraction of what most (even skinny) people eat. Oh, well. I trust my body, so it'll all balance out.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1 cup chicken salad with crackers
• 3 bites meat & cheese roll
• 1 Arby's curly fry
• 1/2 cup sausage & yellow rice
• 1 chocolate chip cookie

Water: 32 oz.

Activity: Brisk-walked for 40 min.

Big Ten Tuesday

So it's Day 10. Steve was commenting last night about the fact that we've walked every day since I started back with TW. I'm sure there will probably be days when for one reason or another we can't do our walk, but I figure the more of a habit it is in general, the better we will feel overall. That way the once-in-a-whiles when we can't walk won't hurt anything. Flexibility within structure is a good way to live.

I found two pairs of jean capris and two shirts today, all for less than $10. total! I was stoked. I've donated most of my larger clothing from my closet, and will be going through my dresser drawers this week. The jeans I bought today are for a little bit down the road--although I did get them up and zipped, and they are size 8! I have them hanging in the closet and will try them on once each week and when they are comfortable I will keep wearing them. The two shirts I found today are size medium, and I have one of them on right now. :)

I'm on my second bottle of water at nearly 4pm. Yesterday I only drank one bottle all day, so today I'm shooting for two. Slow but steady increase works best for me, since I'm working on rebuilding my natural thirst for water. Right now I'm not liking it much, but that will gradually change. I'm making Polish sausage and yellow rice for supper.

I'm looking forward to a relaxed family evening tonight.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1 cup chicken salad with crackers 
• 1/2 cup Polish sausage & yellow rice
• 1/2 tropical fruit cup

Water: 32 oz.

Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.

Day Nine Sunshine :)

My challenge for this week is drinking more water. Not obsessing about how much, but trying to get back into the habit of having water be my intuitive go-to drink. It usually takes me a week or two of pushing it on myself to regain my natural thirst; once that happens, it's much easier to consume healthier amounts of it during a day.

I was thinking today about how my focus has so completely shifted away from food, and how that is affecting my normal operation in the home. I have to consciously remind myself to bake the bread (which I normally do daily, with few exceptions), and I'm not constantly on the hunt for a new recipe to chop up and remake into something all my own. My hope is that once I'm really in the groove with all of this adjustment, things will balance back out to where I can find a happy place in the middle where my passion for cooking coexists alongside my sensibilities regarding food consumption.

The great thing about TW is that it supports the truth that God intended for food to be enjoyable in moderation, which means I don't have to choose between love of food and cooking, and living a healthy and fit lifestyle. No deprivation--just appreciation of all things in moderation. Sounds like a winning plan to me.

Food:

• 1 chocolate chip cookie
• 1/2 cup grilled chicken salad with crackers
• 1-cup meal (sm. fried chicken tender, mashed potatoes & gravy, baby carrots, chicken & yellow rice)

Water: 16 oz.

Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 minutes

Day Eight--In Under the Wire!

I very nearly missed posting while it's still Day 8! It's been a VERY busy day for us.

I've been really enjoying what I'm reading in Thin Within. I still haven't "caught up" on the reading (I'm on like Day Five or something like that in the book), but I'll get caught up eventually. Interestingly, almost all of the Observation and Correction activities I find I'm already preempting, so they are unnecessary. I take that as a good thing. I'm really feeling good about being in so many different settings and still adhering to the TW principles without any struggle, and without even much purposed thought involved (meaning that I'm finding it comes very naturally without a lot of effort).

It's almost amusing to realize that even though the dinner I made tonight was pretty doggone epic (if I do say so myself) and a month ago I might have just "naturally" dove in and overeaten, I now find the thought of overeating rather distasteful and even foreign. I take that as yet another good sign.

I have caught myself seeing something and reaching for it, only to remember that I'm not hungry, so it doesn't go in my mouth. That happened this morning with the homemade chocolate chip cookies Rosie and I made last night and sealed in a bowl on the counter. I saw them this morning and almost ate one, then realized my tummy hadn't growled yet. I put 4 small cookies in a sealed container in my purse and headed off to church. My tummy finally growled right after church (about 11:30am), so I pulled the cookies out. I ate one and gave away the other three. My tummy was happy until we got to Nana & Papa's for dinner. I ate tiny portions there, and felt awesome afterward.

One thing of note: I paid particular attention at both of the main meals today to eat slowly and savor the meal, conversing with everyone at the table during the meal and stretching it out to near the time frame it took everyone else to eat their meals. It worked out really well and felt very natural. I can tell it won't take me long to make that a habit so that it comes as naturally as sporadically overeating was before--with much healthier results.

Food:

• 1 chocolate chip cookie
• 1/2 granola bar
• 1-cup meal (chicken & yellow rice, peas, 1/4 yeast roll)
• 1-cup meal (small fried chicken tender, mashed potatoes/gravy, steamed baby carrots)

Activity:

• Brisk-walked for 30 minutes

Day Seven? Already?

Hard to believe it's really been 7 days. I feel so much better, it feels like longer. I've been trying to catch up in my Thin Within book, but it's no biggie because I remembered so many of the principles from before, all of the ones I'm currently reading about are ones I've been doing since I restarted. I'd still like to catch up, though, just because in some circumstances I can be methodical like that.

My tummy woke me up growling at 6am, so I ate a couple of bites of applesauce to shut it up. It's been behaving since then, so I'll probably be getting another nudge pretty soon since it's almost 10. Right now I'm enjoying my morning coffee.
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We had a good time hanging out at Luke & Lakin's. Luke ended up being there the whole time, and Lakin and Laura and Caleb came back early so we got to hang out for a while. Laura told me she reads my blogs. I heart her a whole bunch!

I made a couple of pans of homemade rolls this evening. I'm taking some of them to Nana & Papa's for dinner tomorrow after church. The whole house smells like fresh-baked bread.

Steve and I were talking during our walk tonight about some of the feelings I've kind of buried regarding my mother's death. I'm trying to work through some of the little bit of denial that is still hanging around five years after, and as always Steve is an amazing listener and counselor. He mostly listens and supports, which is what I need most. I know he adored my mama, which really makes it a lot easier to talk to him about the deeper things.

Food:
A couple of bites of applesauce
2 small slices thin crust cheese pizza
About a cup total, turkey taco meat and salsa with nacho chips

Activity:
Brisk-walked for 30 minutes

A Busy Day Six

We did a lot of errand-running today. It was nice having energy for all of it. Found a couple of Christmas presents to hide away. Got new walking/running shoes. Now I just have to find the right socks to wear with them, since I found out tonight the no-show kind aren't going to work without me getting blisters. Yep. Not fun.

I found some 1-cup storage bowls today! Yeah, it doesn't take much to amuse me sometimes.

I have to say I'm finding it rather interesting how LITTLE food I actually need. Probably because my body has had a few years of disordered eating to pack away bunches of it in the form of a whole lot of fluff that I'm hoping it's munching on pretty often lately! Yeah, I'm pretty excited about watching my fat fall off. :) Honestly, I'm looking forward to the real me escaping the limitations and imprisonment beneath layers of way too many things God has been waiting for me to ask Him to help me release. Yes, it was definitely time.

Today:

• 1-cup meal (grilled chicken, mashed potatoes/gravy)
• 1 Arby's fried chicken strip
• 1 meat & cheese roll (slice of roast beef, slice of corned beef, slice of Swiss cheese, dill pickles)

Walked: 15 minutes

Day Five

I couldn't think of a cute title that didn't sound dorky (Day Five, and I'm Feeling Alive! or some such nonsense like that), so I'm leaving it just plain "Day Five".

Kind of a funny thing: It's nearly 10:30am and I haven't felt truly hungry yet. I refuse to eat anything until my body says to. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm hearing a growl.

It feels almost weird feeling motivated to get out and walk. I really need better walking/running shoes. Might have to fix that this weekend. Don't want to damage my ankles (which are actually a tad sore), and as Rosie found out last night, flip-flops are not the fitness-walking footwear of choice. She has a blood-blister on the end of her big toe. I was telling Steve last night that I wouldn't even mind starting to walk in the mornings. Think I can drag my night-owl, I-loathe-mornings daughter out of bed to walk with me that early?

Gosh, it feels great no longer being a slave to food. By working with my body's design, I feel like I've put control back in the hands of its Creator where it belongs. It's only been five days, but I already feel so much better, and in many ways.

I finally got a growl at around 11:30am. The next one came at about 2pm. It's now 3 and I'm feeling pretty content. It's funny how I haven't had candy in 5 or 6 days, not because I'm purposefully avoiding it, but because it isn't what my body is calling for. I have a jar full of Reese's cup miniatures in the fridge that I bought over a week ago, and I forgot they were there. Matt found them, though, so they might not be there for long. :)

Walked twice around the block with Steve. Had to slow the pace a bit because even though my Croc flip-flops are way more comfortable than my sneakers, they still make my shins hurt if I walk too briskly. Yeah, I definitely need new walking shoes.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1 cup salad
• 1/4 cup mashed potatoes with gravy
• 1/2 oz. grilled chicken
• 4 nacho chips with salsa

Activity: Brisk-walked for 20 min.

Day Four - Visualizing the Positive

I have had a mild headache all day. I'm actually surprised it took this long to show up, given the dramatic change in my eating habits. I'm sure my body is reacting to WAY less consumption of sweets.

My clothes are already slightly looser. Sounds crazy, but I can tell. And I have to say, I am really liking it. God is so awesome to allow me to see results so quickly, knowing how much it motivates me to keep going knowing I am heading in the right direction. He is amazing.

I have a bin of smaller clothing that I put away as the weight started coming back, and though I have started several times to donate them, something always prevented me from doing so. I was thinking about putting the bin in our bedroom where I can see it often, just as a beacon of what I will eventually reach. I am sad to say that not so long ago I actually believed I would never use them again.

Afterword:
I opened the bin today and pulled out some of the clothes I know I won't be wearing again because of style. What really surprised me was that I put ON my very favorite pair of khaki capris, which are size 10, and although I couldn't come close to zipping them, I actually got them UP, which from a size 16 a few weeks ago, I think is pretty miraculous! I put a few things back in the bin that I know will take a little while yet, and a few I don't think will be too far off I put in the closet for another try in a few weeks. I put a pair of black stretchy capris on and they were so comfortable I kept them on. :)

Steve and I are walking after supper, then I plan to walk again with Rosie after dance. It's good to have energy again!

NOTE: I'm regularly including what I eat in a day not to count calories or fat grams, nor to have it act as a food log like many diets call for. This is simply a record of what I eat, for myself.

Today's Cumulative Total:
1/2 cup of beef/vegetable soup
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 granola bar
2.5 oz. grilled chicken
1/4 cup green beans
1/4 cup mashed potatoes with brown gravy
1 cup tossed salad

I walked around the block once with Steve and Ollie, and then another time around with Rosie after dance. She hit her toe on a broken piece of sidewalk, so we just went around once. Ollie isn't a good walk-taker, so I probably won't be taking him on a regular basis. He wants to pee on literally every yard we pass, so forget about any kind of pace with him along. I will take Steve again, though. I heart walking with him. :)

In case my blogging pattern hasn't yet become clear, my tendency is to do a post that I edit throughout the day, adding and amending as the day goes on. Just mentioning that so all my millions of readers (ha!) know that the daily posts aren't complete until later in the day.

Oh, something else that occurred to me today. I have a couple of profile pictures I tend to use often, and the reason I use them is because I think they look like the "real me". I was thinking about that tonight, and was actually talking to Rosie a little bit about it, and it hit me that I really need to look like the "real me"--the one I see in my mind's eye as the me I like. Maybe in a future post I will describe her. I want to give it some thought first.

A Few Tips I've Found Helpful (for me and others)

I thought I would include a few tips I shared with my friend, in case I need a reminder later. :)

1. If you aren't hungry, don't eat.
2. If your tummy growls, give it something, if only a few bites (that is actually better, anyway).
3. Eat exactly what your body is asking for, whether it be fruit, a veggie, a brownie, some kind of meat, or a piece of candy. Just eat a small amount of it.
4. A good rule of thumb (haha) is the fist principle. The human stomach is "supposed" to be about the size of your balled-up fist. Most of us have tummies that are stretched out way beyond that, which is why we can "hold" larger meals. But you've probably noticed that when you've gone for a while without overeating, your tummy "shrinks". All it's really doing is going back down to the size it's supposed to be! :)
5. Drink plenty of water, but don't obsess over how much. I drink whatever I want, which is generally either sweet tea, Pepsi, or Gatorade, but sometimes water with a slice of some kind of fruit (lime, orange, lemon, strawberry, etc.). What I've found is that the more I listen to my body's signals and eat small portions, the more my energy picks back up, the more I want to exercise, and the more my natural thirst for water comes back, so it all works together, each being a cause and an effect in turn.

Day Three, and All is Well

I'm noting some interesting things, just three days (back) in.

I feel more energetic.
I realize some of this could be in my head, but my thought is, so what if it is? If I feel more energetic, that's the important thing, right?

I feel better about myself in general.
Oddly when I look in the mirror now, I don't automatically quickly turn away repulsed by what I see. Apparently there was more than just a pudgy face looking back at me; The person looking back at me wasn't facing her grief and was letting her body pay the price for it. The woman looking back at me now is taking measures to improve health, to extend her life, to live in the abundance God intended for her from the beginning. Maybe at some point I will actually arrive at believing I deserve good things! Hey, it could happen. I feel better about myself simply knowing that I can look my daughter in the eye and be happy about the measures I am intentionally taking to make sure that not only am I around for as much of her life as possible, but I'm also living a good example for her to follow throughout her life.

I feel more in tune with my body's needs and signals.
I have always been pretty acutely aware of my body, but for most of my life it has been in a very negative way: too much fat, too short, not strong enough, leftover baby belly, stubby little feet, etc. Since we lost our health insurance I have noticed that I am intentionally less intuitive about my body and any possible issues with my health because a. I'm scared to find out something is wrong and don't want to die young like both of my parents did, b. To pay attention to what is going on with my body is to acknowledge the 40 lbs. I've gained since Mama died, and I didn't want to think of either one, and c. There was nothing I could do about a health issue anyway without insurance or money to afford health care. BUT...for the past few days I have felt freer to think about my body and my health because I feel like I am actually taking positive measures to make things better.

I feel more attuned to God's voice.
Over the past few years, when I would see food, it might have just gotten popped into my mouth because 1. it was there, 2. other people were eating, 3. it looked good, or 4. it was "time" to eat. Not so much now. When I think of food, I think of God, and it's almost involuntary now that I simply ask Him if I'm hungry. I can almost hear Him telling me to check for signals. No growl, no hungry feeling in my tummy, then no, not hungry. Either of those things present? Have at it! I also intuitively eat three or four bites at the most at one time, which satisfies the hunger but leaves me feeling comfortable and not overfull. I'm finding that generally speaking, hunger happens every couple of hours for me. Having God right there all the time answering my heart's questions naturally makes me feel close to Him all the time. Not that I didn't already walk pretty close to Him, but now I feel like I've truly given this area of my life to Him. It's rather freeing.

Food tastes have become more acute.
Maybe I just didn't pay too close attention to how food tasted before. Or maybe if I acknowledged how good it tasted, that thought was quickly tackled by the guilt of my disordered eating, effectually robbing me of any enjoyment of food, ever. Now, because I am paying attention to hunger signs and only eating tiny portions of exactly what my body is craving, I am finding that food tastes much better and satisfies in a way that it didn't before.

Eating "whatever I want" produces interesting results with intuitive eating.
Instead of craving junk, I am craving soup, fruit, chicken, and veggies. This should not surprise me at all, since the same thing happened 10 years ago when I first read and started following the Thin Within principles. Duh.

I am making an effort to make sure I have small portions of appealing food readily available, knowing that my lack of focus ON food has me also naturally not being interested in it (which means if I feel hungry and there's nothing nearby, I'm very likely to just skip it until later). Responding to hunger signals keeps the metabolism rolling at optimum, which is the best plan for digestion and body function.

I went to the store this morning and bought crackers, granola bars, apple sauce, soup, and fruit to have available to eat. I also picked up some Gatorade to have something healthy to drink and to make sure my potassium stays at a good level.

Today's combined eating (if I can remember):

• 1 banana
• About the equivalent of one tomato, in Caesar dressing with onions, peppers, mushrooms, and Feta cheese
• About 3oz. grilled chicken breast
• About 7 or 8 green beans
• About 1/2 cup of fried potatoes
• 4 pepperoni/cheddar cheese crackers
• A handful of honey nut Cheerios

It appears my eating balanced back out a little bit today, as opposed to yesterday. I think the first two days my body was really taking a break from food (probably recoiling from the past few years of disordered eating).

I talked to Rosie a little bit about what I began on 10/10/10. I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with my best girlfriend.

Oh! I talked to my friend Lisa (we've been friends since middle school) today and I think she is going to do the TW journey with me! I'm really happy about that.

11:11. Make a Wish!

Pretty easy to think of a good wish to go along with this endeavor.

I wish for the continued focus to keep my mind and heart set on God's will for my life.

Second day in the books, and I am feeling pretty good. Let's see...what did I eat today...

• About 3 or 4 oz. of roast chicken
• A cup of Autumn Soup

Seems like there was something else, but I can't remember. Anyway, I've felt satisfied pretty much all day, so it's all good. My outlook has been good, and whether or not it's just in my head, I feel like I had more energy today. It's amazing what not overeating at all will do for you!

Now, to make sure my disinterest in food will balance out and not become an aversion to it.

Day Two Ponderings

Day two is going well. Maybe it's a timing thing. I think back over how many times in the past few years that I have become thoroughly disgusted with myself (well, my body, specifically) and thought about needing to do something about it. I've even made pitiful attempts at it, but it wasn't purposeful--just sort of stabbing in the dark. I feel like now I have direction.

I just have to stay focused on the people and things in my life that truly matter and are the secondary core (behind God) of why I need to make this change for the better. Focus. Focus.

I am ashamed that I had forgotten what true physical hunger felt like. I remember now, and the timing is right.

I want to learn more about fasting and praying.

Day One Down

I've been really thoughtful and prayerful throughout the day. I've eaten half of a Checkers $1. cheeseburger and a cob of corn, and I honestly feel good. Like there is nothing more that I have needed and missed out on. It's actually rather freeing.

I was reading today in Thin Again where there are five main causes of disordered eating. I have experienced four of the five, some of them to alarming levels. The one that seems most at the forefront right now is unresolved grief over my mother's death five years ago. Working on my memoirs seems to be dredging up some things that are tough to remember. But I'm trying, and will continue to work at it.

I trust you with my heart, Abba. I trust you to complete the good work you began in me.

Dailies:

Food:

• 1/2 Checker's cheeseburger
• 1 cob of corn

Thin Again Starting 10-10-10

God willing, yesterday was the last day of disordered eating for me. My focus has been off for five years now, and it's time to get back to where I should be. I lost 70 lbs. in 7 months in 2000-01 and kept it off for four years. I didn't diet, and I didn't become obsessed with exercise. I simply put God back in first place in my life and shifted the focus back to Him, letting Him order my habits (all of them, including my eating). When Mama died, I lost control. No. I just lost focus. Control had been given over to Him, so in some ways I guess I took it back. Not intentionally, but more incidentally in the midst of the chaos called intense grief. Losing my mother had a bigger impact on me than I realized. Until now.

By disordered eating, I don't necessarily mean just overeating--although that is part of the picture. I mean eating without focus. Absently munching on junk I don't need, barely thinking about it while eating. Going for most of the day ignoring hunger signs and then overeating the one meal I do eat. I haven't consciously gone to food for comfort, but I'm not sure that is always a conscious thing. Basically, it's throwing my body into digestive confusion by not being intentional with fueling it.

I took a book off the shelf last night that I've started to pull more than once in the past nearly-five years. Looking back, every time I've tried to pick it up, something inside me became almost angry at having to face the fact that I've probably gained back a good 40 of the 70 lbs. I lost. I honestly don't know, because I saw the scale as an arm of the Enemy out to destroy me. While I still don't ever intend to be a slave to a scale, I would really like to no longer fear it as one would fear an adversary.

I thought about doing this more publicly, posting it openly to my Facebook and asking for prayer, but for now I think I would like to just let God work in my heart and mind (and body) and search out what He wants to tell me and show me in this whole thing. I honestly believe the disordered eating was a direct result of the disordered thinking that set in when my world was rocked by my mother's death on Nov. 27th, 2005. My entire world changed when I became an orphan, and as hard as I have tried to remind myself that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and can never truly be alone, the loss has hurt more deeply than I've been able to word. I'm not sure I will ever be able to capture it in words, but I'd like to try. Maybe it will help to write it and read it back to myself.

I intend to read Thin Again and seek God's Word more diligently. We have so many great books in this house that contain encouragement toward a closer relationship with Him that there is no reason for me to be without reading material that will take the place of other activities that are more mindless and less focused (like hitting the Home and Notifications buttons on Facebook).

Maybe at some point I will share this journey by putting the link on Facebook. I will most likely share it from the beginning on RCW since it is my online house church and I trust my RealHaus sisters with my heart. I think I'm just feeling really small and vulnerable, and while I definitely want to be small again, I don't like this feeling of vulnerability one bit.

Ironically, yesterday before God fully laid it on my heart that "it is time", I jokingly asked Steve what amazing, mysterious, or cataclysmic thing was going to happen today, on 10-10-10. He said he hadn't heard of anything from any of the "sages" in the media. Maybe it was God having a bit of a chuckle when later in the evening, as I lay on our bed nearing midnight reading Thin Again at His prompting, I remembered today's date and the joke from earlier in the evening.

And so it begins. Thin again, starting 10-10-10. All poetry aside, I want this to be real.