Tuesday, November 30, 2010

52: After Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was awesome, in spite of car issues that stranded us at home and necessitated a most daring and spectacular rescue by Trevor. We all went to Nana & Papa's for dinner and were all together at least for a little while before Luke had to go to work. We really enjoyed the time together, and of course the food was amazing. I think I probably ate to a 5 (full but not over-full), whereas I normally eat to a 3 or 4 while I'm releasing excess weight. But I still seem to be on track, so all is well. Thanksgiving leftovers are a weakness for me, so I've been making the effort to stay obedient and delay eating any extra amount until the next meal.

One thing I was sharply reminded of a couple of days ago--Sunday, I think, when we went straight from church over to help the kids move and then I came home and cooked and took supper back over there for everyone--was that I cannot go long periods of time without eating. My tummy shrinks even further, and it makes it really hard to digest what I eat. When I feel like I'm starving, I eat too fast, too, which isn't good. The other issue is when I eat late at night I wake up feeling like I ate rocks. Not a good feeling. So lessons learned. Moving on.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

45: The Might to Write, and to Protest Slavery Thinking

I may have mentioned before that I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones (again). I had forgotten how inspiring her writings are, and the fact that this was her first book is pretty amazing. Funny how it isn't outdated in the least even though it came out in the 80's. The principles are timeless.

The great thing about writing is that it transcends time, age, season, personality, and situation. It heals, it soothes, it expresses, it rejuvenates, it validates all of us. Not surprisingly, I'm finding such expression to be critically important in this TW journey.

Something that really weighs on me (no pun intended) is the way people constantly refer to some foods as sinful, or sinfully good, or the way they mention that something is unfortunately not fat-free. As though anything with sugar, or fat, or carbs, or whatever else that might be delicious must, by virtue of its lovely taste, be destructive for our bodies (and subsequently for our weight management plans). Well, folks, I'm going out on a limb here, but in my opinion, this is just plain slavery thinking! And I, for one, refuse to be enslaved to ANYTHING save for Christ alone!

I see no reason to discriminate outside one's own personal taste preferences (or medical restrictions) to dub one food righteous and another sinful. God made food to taste delicious, and He made us with taste buds for a reason! I believe it was just another way for us to enjoy His lovely creation. Everything in moderation. Eat between 0 and 5, simple as that.

And with that, I am heading to the kitchen to get the bacon cheeseburgers out of the oven.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

43: Details, Readers, and Attitude

I've been thinking a lot about details. I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, and I love the simplicity in her "formula" for being true to oneself as a writer: Just be real and tell your stories in detail. Sounds a lot like the way I've written for years, but it's nice hearing a best-selling author validate what I've been doing. Maybe one day I'll sell a book, too.

A very sweet young lady walked up to me at an event last night and, with a sheepish expression stated, "Hey, I read your blog." She grinned and blushed as though it was some sort of confession. I could have smooched her on the cheek right then and there. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize what music that is to a writer's ears, especially one who sometimes wonders why she even bothers to put into print the craziness going on in her heart and mind. The ironic thing is that she is at least the third person in the past month to say that to me. In the few words it takes to let me know someone reads my writing, the reason I write is handed back to me with a bow on top. It's why I blog, why I write a column, and why I will one day write a book. Maybe several.

I wore my favorite capris this morning to church. They are 10's, but for some reason are smaller than some of my 8's that I could already wear. It was fun wearing them again.

One thing I'm realizing more and more each day is the huge impact it has on me just having a different outlook on my own image, on my own appearance to myself and others. It's almost startling how different I feel about how others perceive me. It isn't like I've dropped 50 lbs. but I've probably dropped 10 or 15, but I find myself feeling and acting like I've dropped 50, and just with that attitude I feel like a million bucks. It will be fun to see how it feels when I actually get down that far.

Last night and this morning as people were exclaiming over my new, shorter hairstyle, I heard comments about how the different style makes me look younger. What I resisted the urge to tell them was that weight loss also takes years off my life, but until they start noticing that part themselves I don't want to bring it up. It's always nicer when other people notice and mention it. I think that goes back to my dad telling me when I was little not to fish for compliments. My whole life I've been afraid of saying something that would sound like I was fishing for someone to say something nice about me. As a result I wind up completely missing compliments when they happen because if I even acknowledge them at all, I tend to explain them away (even if just inwardly). Maybe that will get better later on.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

40: Who I Really Am

I don't think the "Ransomed Heart" reading that dropped into my email box this morning was a coincidence.

We are not what we were meant to be, and we know it. If, when passing a stranger on the street, we happen to meet eyes, we quickly avert our glance. Cramped into the awkward community of an elevator, we search for something, anything to look at instead of each other. We fear to be seen. But think for a moment about the millions of tourists who visit ancient sites like the Parthenon, the Colosseum, and the Pyramids. Though ravaged by time, the elements, and vandals through the ages, mere shadows of their former glory, these ruins still awe and inspire. Though fallen, their glory cannot be fully extinguished. There is something at once sad and grand about them. And such we are. Abused, neglected, vandalized, fallen-we are still fearful and wonderful. We are, as one theologian put it, "glorious ruins." But unlike those grand monuments, we who are Christ's have been redeemed and are being renewed as Paul said, "day by day," restored in the love of God.

Could it be that we, all of us, the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and the passed over and picked on, really possess hidden greatness? Is there something in us worth fighting over? The fact that we don't see our own glory is part of the tragedy of the Fall; a sort of spiritual amnesia has taken all of us. Our souls were made to live in the Larger Story, but as Chesterton discovered, we have forgotten our part:

We have all read in scientific books, and indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. . . . We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. (Orthodoxy)

(The Sacred Romance , 92, 94 )

I've been pondering these words for more than an hour, and I'm sure I will continue to think about them throughout the day (and probably well beyond), particularly in light of the transformation God is working within me.

Ironically (or maybe not so), last night I caught a "random" phrase from a speaker on the radio. I don't even remember the topic of the talk, but the phrase that jumped out at me was, "Grace always invites connection." These two messages seem to fit together in an almost divine sort of way, like two pieces of the same present hidden in different places for me to find and connect. The resulting message for my heart is what I will be working on wording today.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

39: Birthday Post

I turned 47 today. I don't feel any different from yesterday, but I feel a LOT different from two months ago. A lot better, specifically.

I made a huge pot of Autumn Soup and two loaves of homemade honey wheat bread for dinner. Steve, Matt, and I enjoyed our dinner together. Rosie will eat when she gets home from dance, and Trevor may be coming by later after IO. I ate a few bites of scrambled egg and two slices of maple bacon for breakfast. Had a slice of pizza for lunch, and then a small bowl of soup and a couple bites of bread for dinner. Even on the rare occasion that my taste buds aren't keen on stopping after a small amount, my tummy and brain win out and I don't overeat. I haven't overeaten in nearly 40 days, and I feel so much better it's hard to describe it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

37: Moving Along

Steve and I enjoyed our evening walk. Matt is at Jeff's and Rosie was at dance, so it was just the two of us.

I haven't read any more since Saturday, so I'll try to read some tonight when I go to bed (which will be soon, since I am pretty tired and I'm teaching tomorrow morning).

Intuitive eating is going well. I had half of a quesadilla for lunch, then half of a chicken sandwich for supper, and I even managed to only snag a couple of mushrooms and a bite of steak from the Texas Roadhouse leftovers Laura brought us tonight. That will be a terrific lunch for tomorrow.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

35: Free To Risk

I'm enjoying reading Thin Again. Right now I'm reading a section called "Free to Risk". Very interesting. It's talking about breaking the cycles of pain from our childhood and past hurts and allowing God to bring healing so that we don't continue to seek healing from the wrong sources. Nothing and no one heals like the Lover of our Souls.

Friday, November 12, 2010

34: A Bit of Back Story

Tidbits:
  • My tummy is growling loudly. Guess it's time for breakfast.
  • A cool thing happened this morning. I noticed that my watch is turning around loosely on my wrist. That hasn't happened in years.

On to the Back Story

I thought I would share a bit of "back story" on my journey, as shared with a friend this morning.

Ten years ago I went from 205 down to 137 using the TW principles, and it's the ONLY time in my life (until now) when I truly loved myself and saw myself as worthy of anyone's love or affection or even notice. I have serious emotional baggage from an abusive, dysfunctional childhood that God has truly delivered me from, and TW is a big part of that deliverance.

I gained up to about 150 and stayed there for about five years. Then my mother died, and I slowly over the next five years gained back up to around 185. Wrong direction, and my self-image issues started showing up again, only this time it was more apathy than loathing. Both are destructive and NOT God's plan for His daughters! So I am so glad He put me back on the path with TW a bit over a month ago. It is making such a huge difference. I've gone from a size 16 back down to a 12 and I'm not far from a 10 (some 10's fit me, but not all yet).

I don't know how much I weigh right now because I hate the scale, but about three weeks ago just a couple of weeks into TW I was at around 181 and I know I've lost more since then. I would be happy to get back to 150 or so even, but I want to depend on God for my ideal size. I looked and felt GREAT at 140 (my mother told me she couldn't believe I weighed that much, so I must have carried it pretty well) so personally I would love to be back to 140 if God wills it. It's still more than "the experts" say I should weigh for my height (5'2"), but I know how I looked and felt then, and I'd love that. :)

I was once the queen of internal hateful dialogue. I got way too good at it, but I am so glad to say not only am I not SAYING it any more, I'm not FEELING it any more! The only reason I will never do another "diet" (unless of course a health issue requires it--which hopefully won't happen with my health improving dramatically since being back on the TW path) is that they DO NOT WORK, especially for me. If I'm counting calories/fat grams/carbs or depriving myself of any one food or drink or focusing on food in any fashion, it sabotages what God wants to do in me. I love the feature of Thin Within where each daily reading section has a "Medical Moment" with interesting and helpful facts about the way the body works by God's design and how this all fits together. I don't ever plan to do another diet. TW is the only way I have ever "succeeded", and the lifestyle fits me like a glove. I couldn't be happier with it.

It's much harder to stop the negative self-talk than meets the eye, and I believe the reason for that is because the heart it's springing from has to change first. Here's one way to think about it: say for example your child as a teen for whatever reason has decided he hates you. You can do everything in the world to persuade him that it hurts you, that it hurts God, that it hurts him, that it isn't nice, that it isn't accurate, that he is wrong, that he is misunderstanding, etc. You can force him to be nice to you because you are the parent with the "power" to punish. But true change won't take place until his heart changes toward you and love replaces hate naturally.

The same applies to your self-loathing. You can train yourself not to say mean things about yourself. You can stand in front of the mirror and repeat the mantras "I am beautiful." "I am God's child." "God doesn't make junk, so I am not junk" Blah, blah, blah. It might "train" you not to say those things as often, but you will still think them inwardly (which isn't much improvement, save for the fact that you're not annoying everyone around you LOL). The REAL change will happen when you STOP loathing yourself and you stop WANTING to say those things. That is real liberation! :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

33: Oh, JOY!

A friend of mine on the opposite corner of the country is sending me clothing in sizes I will be in very soon! I am stoked! Not only will I not be having to dress in tents with drawstring necklines, I won't have to go nekkid! (I know there will be MANY who will rejoice with exceeding great joy over this.)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

32: Thin Again

I finished Thin Within this morning and got started on Thin Again. I was chatting with some friends today and I mentioned Thin Within. Someone quipped that it's better than the alternative. To which I responded (obviously without much thought), "What? Stout Without?" It made me laugh, and then I got to thinking that I'm really glad to be able to laugh about this journey I'm on, when just over a month ago I was feeling about as helpless and hopeless as humanly possible.

I noticed while going over the closing questionnaires in the TW book that my answers had definitely changed for the better, pretty much across the board. My relationship with God, my relationship with myself, my relationship with food--all have improved.

I wouldn't say my relationship with God was suffering, at least not overtly, but it isn't hard to see how bringing my eating habits under control and putting the focus back where it should be has enriched and fused the bond between us.

My feelings about myself have markedly changed. I think it goes way deeper than me just being glad I'm not as "fluffy" as I was before. I'm wondering if me liking myself more has more to with the fact that I allowed God to do a work in me that He has been wanting to do, has been waiting until I was ready for it in the aftermath of my mother's death. Maybe it's partly because I know my health is going to be better for this, and I stand a better chance of being around for my kids and not contributing to the likelihood of my children losing their mother too young. I think those are the real reasons why I like me more.

As for my relationship with food, it is back to simply being fuel for my body. Not a sedative, not a comforter, not a drug to dull sadness or grief or lack of understanding, not a cure for boredom, not something to do while I watch TV or work on the computer. Just fuel. Tasty and enjoyable, but fuel nonetheless. It just doesn't have quite the appeal it did and doesn't fill gaps it was never meant to fill. It isn't replacing God in any area of my life. I would say that is a much improved relationship.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 31? Do I keep counting? :)

Yesterday was not a very productive day for me regarding tasks I wanted to complete throughout the day. In other words, I didn't do the reading I planned to do. I will do my best to catch up on that tonight.

Today was just another day in a more healthy and productive lifestyle. Normal, natural, right. I am so thankful for God's nudge to pick up Thin Within from my bookshelf, and for the courage and will to and obey His promptings to move in the right direction. I believe my life has been (and will continue to be) changed for the better, which means my family's lives will be, too. I think that is a very good thing.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Finale, Day 30

I'm finishing up the reading from Day 29 and then I will read Day 30 and finish up the TW book. Tomorrow I will start Thin Again.

These are tough emotional times here. Today I've actually been tempted to "medicate" with junk food or candy (something I haven't done in over a month). I won't, but I can very easily see why I did it before. My sweets consumption has been all but nonexistent in the past month, simply because I haven't truly wanted sweets very many times. The only sweet things I have really wanted were my sweetened coffee, Pepsi, and McDonalds' mocha frappes. I've had a few fraps, but not too many over the course of TW. I've even spread out my Pepsi drinking quite a bit. I still don't like water.

By the way, I do intend to continue blogging my journey, if not every day then as often as possible. I know I've not yet learned all God has for me to learn. After all, this is a LIFE, not a PROGRAM. This may be the end of the book, but it is far from the end of my journey. I've only begun.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 29

Wow, one more day! I feel like I am well on my way in a positive direction along the path of the Abundant Life. It's incredible how good I feel.

I read today, but I'm still a day behind so I'll be doing today's reading tonight so I can greet tomorrow and do tomorrow's reading and finish out the book. Then, it's on to Thin Again.

I noted today that I have to be careful not to ignore hunger for too long, and to always have something handy to eat when I do get hungry. Otherwise my head-hunger gets overzealous and "wants" to overeat. I didn't let it, but it did make me aware of the potential for a problem so I'd rather avoid that situation.

I do have a bit of a challenge coming up next Sunday. We are going to our former church's birthday celebration and "dinner on the grounds", and let me just say these people have a long-standing reputation for being AMAZING cooks. So yeah, there will be a temptation to eat past 5 (and I almost always eat to 3 or maybe 4). I'll be praying about that all week. Wonder if they'd mind if I take a go-box and bring some home to enjoy later. :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day 28

Busy day today. Didn't get to read, but I'll catch up tomorrow. Everything went well today.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 27 - His Timing Is Perfect

Surprisingly, I caught up on my reading last night. None too soon, either, with four days left in the 30-day "program". I plan to move right on to the Thin Again book afterward.

I guess the upside to having had a seriously emotional week is the blessing of having come through it without being derailed regarding the intuitive eating and focus on God that I've been working to maintain in TW. The weird thing is that I haven't so much as thought of overeating. It has become a foreign concept to me, actually so distasteful an idea that it doesn't occur to me to do so. It would only be making an already bad situation worse.

I'd really like to be less stressed. My daughter wrote on her Facebook last night that she wants to be worry-free again. That made me cry. If anyone in this world deserves to not be stressed out, it's her. God bless her precious heart. She inspires me every day.

I'm wearing jeans I haven't worn in so long I can't remember the last time. The kids and I went for a walk earlier and enjoyed the cool weather and the breeze. I'm sure my quietness was probably a bit of a downer for them, but they didn't complain. I'm a lucky mom.

God has such a cool way of working things out in the perfect timing. I didn't think I was going to catch up on my reading, but I did last night. Today, the reading (the one meant for today, which I wouldn't have seen today had I not caught up) was spot-on for things I'm dealing with right now. I've had that happen often with Beth Moore's books and studies, but it still caught me by surprise this time. I love the way He reaches in and speaks to me through things I read, and the circumstances under which such times occur I presume is just part of his Great Mystery.

A couple of times I've started to reach for something and pop it in my mouth because it was there and I like it. Both times, I said (out loud, even, I think), "Nope. I don't eat when I'm not truly hungry." It was quick and easy and so natural I almost didn't even make much note of it until just now as I was writing about my day.

Did I mention that I'm loving wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear in years? I only have a couple of pairs of pants left in the top of the closet that still won't quite fit. Once I get below 12's, my choices will be a little more limited since I didn't keep very many of my size 8 or 10 clothes. The last time I lost all that weight and got down to a 6-8, I lucked out and a friend was getting rid of two giant outdoor garbage bags full of all size 8 clothes. She literally handed me an entire wardrobe. What a blessing! I know God will provide again. I'm looking forward to having that problem. I can't wait until I can fit into my favorite size 8 denim skirt.

I put my engagement ring back on with my wedding band today. For a while I couldn't even wear the band, but a while back I was able to put it back on. A couple of weeks ago I added back the sapphire ring my mother bought me, and my engagement ring today. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 26 - What Is REAL?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" 

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled. 

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.
Much of this passage was quoted in my TW reading this morning. It's one of my favorite pieces of literature ever. It speaks volumes to my heart, and I have thought about it often throughout my life. It rings true and...well, real.

Four days left in the actual program for me. I doubt I will catch up with the reading by Day 30, but I will continue to read through to the end of the book (I'm about five "days" behind). After I finish the book, I will go on to Thin Again, which I picked up a few years ago and put on a shelf. I'm glad I have it to continue on with and reinforce the TW principles through reading for a bit longer.

Yesterday's reading was about forgiving and moving forward in the freedom and lightness of forgiveness. The big things from my past I've forgiven. Recent things, maybe not so completely, but I'm working on it. It's hard to forgive a person or people for a situation you can't describe or even begin to understand. I know complete understanding is only God's, but having a better grip on the deeper parts of the situation would go a long way toward helping me let it go.

It has really been impressed upon me today how much better I feel all the time when I'm not overeating at all. I remember ten years ago reading the statement that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and thinking it was one of the tritest-sounding statements I'd ever heard. I've found it to be spot-on, though. Absolutely true.

It has rained most of the day today, which has made an otherwise sad day a little bit happier for me. I so adore the rain.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 25

A good friend and I were talking yesterday about body image, and it struck me how far-reaching and destructive other people's comments can be. Do people really listen when they talk? Do they not realize that a silly comment like, "Wow, I didn't know you wore THAT size..." can stick with a girl and speak defeat and ugliness into her heart and mind for years after the commenter has forgotten what she said? And the crazy thing is, the insult doesn't even have to be based in truth! Truth be known, most comments like that are usually based more on jealousy and/or envy than on actual truth, but to the hearer, they can grow barbs that stubbornly hold fast well into the future. It blows my mind the things people speak into the lives of others with so little care and concern for the long-term effects.

The reading I've been doing for the past couple of days has been regarding the things we hold over our own heads, unable to forgive ourselves or accept God's forgiveness. I know there are things deep within the recesses of my childhood memories that I still blame on myself, particularly something that happened to me on a date at age 15 that I should have tried to stop long before I did try and it was too late. I know God doesn't hold that over me, but for 32 years I've held it over myself, if only in subtle ways beneath the surface. It's no wonder why I've had such trouble believing I deserve to be the size God created me to be.

One last observation for today. I've been noticing that ads or photos or hearing about certain really yummy foods sometimes comes close to derailing me. Most of the time I do just fine only eating when I'm truly hungry. Once in a while, though, I can see a picture or hear a commercial, or even just see a recipe for something and it makes me want it. Like now, for instance. I just saw a photo of a chocolate cupcake, so I'm craving homemade chocolate butter cream frosting. So what I've been doing is making little notes of those things that pop out of nowhere and tempt my taste buds, to store the information for later when I AM hungry. Most of the time, these things are too much trouble to make to be worth the effort. Maybe I'll make some frosted brownies or something and cut them into small pieces and refrigerate them so they'll last. I'm sure my family won't complain about me making them, and I'll get to enjoy one when I'm really hungry.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 24

In the TW book I keep seeing mention of how sometimes we choose our own way instead of God's, with examples like "eating that third doughnut", or "eating a whole package of cookies at once". What's crazy is that the notion of eating that much at once is now so foreign to me it makes me wonder how I ever used to eat what I ate. And this goes back a good ten years, since after my tummy shrinkage the first time I did TW I was never able to eat nearly as much as I had before. But now? I find myself asking, do people really eat three doughnuts or a whole package of cookies at one time? I know that sounds silly, but I honestly sit here wondering that when I read those things.

This isn't me being self-righteous--this is me being incredulous. I'm lucky if I eat HALF of a doughnut, and one cookie is plenty. Even if I wanted more than that, my tummy wouldn't hold it. I get that same feeling of disbelief when I watch TV or see billboards depicting people with meals the size most restaurants serve. That's like four or five (if not more) meals in a single plate! I will definitely have to ask for a go-box along with my meal the next time we go out to eat, although lately Steve and I have been sharing meals a lot so we will likely continue to do that. It's silly to order two or three times the food we need.

I have to say I am glad that very rarely do I even think I might want more than, say, half a cup to one cup of food at any given time. Even on those rare occasions where I think I might want more than that, I always end up eating less than I thought I wanted. I remember the first time I did TW, even in the first couple of weeks into the program I would eat half the food on my plate and push the plate away and say, "Okay, God, this is yours."

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 23

Winding down to the last week of the "program", although thankfully the lifestyle goes on. I've seen some quick changes, but mostly gradual ones. I feel a lot better physically and mentally, and most importantly I know I'm on the right track for lifelong positive change. I feel God's presence with me every moment, and thank Him for His blessings large and small. My life is a prayer to Him, and I want that to be my lifestyle forever.

Dealing with some rough days emotionally, but God is in control.