109: Floating

I've been working to get fully back to the intentional, purposeful, simple eating habits I had established before the holidays. I'm not quite back to that yet, but oddly enough I haven't gained any of the weight back. I guess that means I've at least maintained. I know I haven't eaten a lot, but it's been more than I was eating before the holidays, which (duh) is why I was losing.

So anyway, I'm working on getting back to the 0-5 intentional eating pattern that had me slimming down. The weather has been beautiful, so I really should get out and play some basketball on my hoop I got for Christmas.

95: Hanging In There

I've been holding my own pretty well through the holidays. I haven't seriously overeaten, although I've probably gone to a 5 instead of sticking closer to 3. I've recently gone back to more intentional eating again. With the holidays behind me that should be a little easier. I actually did better over the holidays than I was expecting. I ate to fullness rather than staying beneath that, but thankfully I didn't stuff myself like I have in the past at such special feasts.

I'd like to get back to being more regular about writing here, too. That alone helps with accountability, and communication is always a good thing in my way of thinking. The smaller clothing my friend is sending me from out west should be here any day. I'm pretty excited about that. More motivation to stay intuitive and intentional and keep naturally trimming down.

60: Tightening Things Up

So I've been at this for 60 days now. I'm still hanging in there and doing okay, even with the occasional temptation to listen to mouth hunger instead of tummy hunger. One thing I've been grappling with is the abundant availability of holiday fudge. It is quite appealing. I'm getting better at only eating small amounts when I'm hungry.

I do need to rein my portions back in just a bit, not that I'm eating a lot but they are a bit bigger than they were for the first 30 days or so. I need to get fully back into the groove. And I will, because it's onward, not backward. I don't intend to go back to the disordered eating of the past. This freedom is so much better than the old way of living.

52: After Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was awesome, in spite of car issues that stranded us at home and necessitated a most daring and spectacular rescue by Trevor. We all went to Nana & Papa's for dinner and were all together at least for a little while before Luke had to go to work. We really enjoyed the time together, and of course the food was amazing. I think I probably ate to a 5 (full but not over-full), whereas I normally eat to a 3 or 4 while I'm releasing excess weight. But I still seem to be on track, so all is well. Thanksgiving leftovers are a weakness for me, so I've been making the effort to stay obedient and delay eating any extra amount until the next meal.

One thing I was sharply reminded of a couple of days ago--Sunday, I think, when we went straight from church over to help the kids move and then I came home and cooked and took supper back over there for everyone--was that I cannot go long periods of time without eating. My tummy shrinks even further, and it makes it really hard to digest what I eat. When I feel like I'm starving, I eat too fast, too, which isn't good. The other issue is when I eat late at night I wake up feeling like I ate rocks. Not a good feeling. So lessons learned. Moving on.

45: The Might to Write, and to Protest Slavery Thinking

I may have mentioned before that I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones (again). I had forgotten how inspiring her writings are, and the fact that this was her first book is pretty amazing. Funny how it isn't outdated in the least even though it came out in the 80's. The principles are timeless.

The great thing about writing is that it transcends time, age, season, personality, and situation. It heals, it soothes, it expresses, it rejuvenates, it validates all of us. Not surprisingly, I'm finding such expression to be critically important in this TW journey.

Something that really weighs on me (no pun intended) is the way people constantly refer to some foods as sinful, or sinfully good, or the way they mention that something is unfortunately not fat-free. As though anything with sugar, or fat, or carbs, or whatever else that might be delicious must, by virtue of its lovely taste, be destructive for our bodies (and subsequently for our weight management plans). Well, folks, I'm going out on a limb here, but in my opinion, this is just plain slavery thinking! And I, for one, refuse to be enslaved to ANYTHING save for Christ alone!

I see no reason to discriminate outside one's own personal taste preferences (or medical restrictions) to dub one food righteous and another sinful. God made food to taste delicious, and He made us with taste buds for a reason! I believe it was just another way for us to enjoy His lovely creation. Everything in moderation. Eat between 0 and 5, simple as that.

And with that, I am heading to the kitchen to get the bacon cheeseburgers out of the oven.

43: Details, Readers, and Attitude

I've been thinking a lot about details. I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, and I love the simplicity in her "formula" for being true to oneself as a writer: Just be real and tell your stories in detail. Sounds a lot like the way I've written for years, but it's nice hearing a best-selling author validate what I've been doing. Maybe one day I'll sell a book, too.

A very sweet young lady walked up to me at an event last night and, with a sheepish expression stated, "Hey, I read your blog." She grinned and blushed as though it was some sort of confession. I could have smooched her on the cheek right then and there. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize what music that is to a writer's ears, especially one who sometimes wonders why she even bothers to put into print the craziness going on in her heart and mind. The ironic thing is that she is at least the third person in the past month to say that to me. In the few words it takes to let me know someone reads my writing, the reason I write is handed back to me with a bow on top. It's why I blog, why I write a column, and why I will one day write a book. Maybe several.

I wore my favorite capris this morning to church. They are 10's, but for some reason are smaller than some of my 8's that I could already wear. It was fun wearing them again.

One thing I'm realizing more and more each day is the huge impact it has on me just having a different outlook on my own image, on my own appearance to myself and others. It's almost startling how different I feel about how others perceive me. It isn't like I've dropped 50 lbs. but I've probably dropped 10 or 15, but I find myself feeling and acting like I've dropped 50, and just with that attitude I feel like a million bucks. It will be fun to see how it feels when I actually get down that far.

Last night and this morning as people were exclaiming over my new, shorter hairstyle, I heard comments about how the different style makes me look younger. What I resisted the urge to tell them was that weight loss also takes years off my life, but until they start noticing that part themselves I don't want to bring it up. It's always nicer when other people notice and mention it. I think that goes back to my dad telling me when I was little not to fish for compliments. My whole life I've been afraid of saying something that would sound like I was fishing for someone to say something nice about me. As a result I wind up completely missing compliments when they happen because if I even acknowledge them at all, I tend to explain them away (even if just inwardly). Maybe that will get better later on.

40: Who I Really Am

I don't think the "Ransomed Heart" reading that dropped into my email box this morning was a coincidence.

We are not what we were meant to be, and we know it. If, when passing a stranger on the street, we happen to meet eyes, we quickly avert our glance. Cramped into the awkward community of an elevator, we search for something, anything to look at instead of each other. We fear to be seen. But think for a moment about the millions of tourists who visit ancient sites like the Parthenon, the Colosseum, and the Pyramids. Though ravaged by time, the elements, and vandals through the ages, mere shadows of their former glory, these ruins still awe and inspire. Though fallen, their glory cannot be fully extinguished. There is something at once sad and grand about them. And such we are. Abused, neglected, vandalized, fallen-we are still fearful and wonderful. We are, as one theologian put it, "glorious ruins." But unlike those grand monuments, we who are Christ's have been redeemed and are being renewed as Paul said, "day by day," restored in the love of God.

Could it be that we, all of us, the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and the passed over and picked on, really possess hidden greatness? Is there something in us worth fighting over? The fact that we don't see our own glory is part of the tragedy of the Fall; a sort of spiritual amnesia has taken all of us. Our souls were made to live in the Larger Story, but as Chesterton discovered, we have forgotten our part:

We have all read in scientific books, and indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. . . . We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. (Orthodoxy)

(The Sacred Romance , 92, 94 )

I've been pondering these words for more than an hour, and I'm sure I will continue to think about them throughout the day (and probably well beyond), particularly in light of the transformation God is working within me.

Ironically (or maybe not so), last night I caught a "random" phrase from a speaker on the radio. I don't even remember the topic of the talk, but the phrase that jumped out at me was, "Grace always invites connection." These two messages seem to fit together in an almost divine sort of way, like two pieces of the same present hidden in different places for me to find and connect. The resulting message for my heart is what I will be working on wording today.