Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 22
I would've missed my date window for posting this actually on the 31st if my time zone wasn't set wrong. Busy day. Emotional struggles today, some hormonal and some situational. Eating went fine today. God continues to hold us up, always.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Day 21
Having a wonderful time visiting our friends in Palm Coast. God continues to watch over me and take care of me in decisions regarding food. He is ever faithful.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Day 20
Don't have much time to write. Busy day, and we're off to PC to see some great friends. Everything is going great, though. I've decided to stop listing my food and activity here. I'm putting it into my journal since it's really just for my own recollection anyway. Besides, TW isn't about worrying about those things! Hopefully I will have time to update tomorrow so I don't miss a day. :P
Oh! And remember those jeans I bought really cheap and put away until I lost some more weight? I wore them today. :)
Oh! And remember those jeans I bought really cheap and put away until I lost some more weight? I wore them today. :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Day 19
Nearly two-thirds through the 30-day program. Hard to believe. I'm still a few days behind on my reading, but I will catch up on the trip to Palm Coast on Saturday.
I can always thinking of all these interesting and insightful things I want to say until I sit down to blog them. Gah.
Hold up! I can almost feel my jawline without pressing down! Dude!
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Walked for 30 min.
I can always thinking of all these interesting and insightful things I want to say until I sit down to blog them. Gah.
Hold up! I can almost feel my jawline without pressing down! Dude!
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1-cup meal (homemade Chik-n Mini and fried potatoes)
Activity: Walked for 30 min.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day 18
I was musing just now about how marvelous a single chocolate chip cookie can be. Did I even notice the food I was eating before? Did I have any cognizance of its taste or texture? I'm definitely noticing now.
I'm working out my feelings about food. I went from being too interested to hardly interested at all. Now I need to find a healthy, happy place of appreciation for it without idolizing it. I'm looking forward to really enjoying cooking again, once that balance comes. I don't hate food in general, but the thought of eating very much of it at once grosses me out. And by "very much", I mean anything more than a cup at once; even that much makes me feel "full" and I've grown to strongly dislike that feeling.
Dailies:
Food:
I'm working out my feelings about food. I went from being too interested to hardly interested at all. Now I need to find a healthy, happy place of appreciation for it without idolizing it. I'm looking forward to really enjoying cooking again, once that balance comes. I don't hate food in general, but the thought of eating very much of it at once grosses me out. And by "very much", I mean anything more than a cup at once; even that much makes me feel "full" and I've grown to strongly dislike that feeling.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
- 1/2 cup meal (fried potatoes with mozzarella and gravy)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day 17 (my other favorite number)
I was reading last night about the three hecklers to one's dedication to the "Path of God's Provision" (as opposed to the "Path of Your Performance"), named as Larry the Legalist, Maureen the Manipulator, and Abigail the Achiever. Larry spouts all the legalistic jargon that slows progress and confuses focus. Maureen tries to twist all of the TW principles into diet-termed pedagogy. Abigail takes all the credit away from God and puts it on herself, taking all the glory for how God is allowing her to progress. The reader is warned, obviously, to steer clear of the interference of all three nuisances.
I was thinking through each heckler as I read, and noting that I didn't seem to be having any trouble with the first two. When Abigail popped up, I started wondering if maybe I haven't been overtly giving God enough glory and praise for what He is doing in me. I did feel like I stalled a little bit in how great I was feeling and how quickly I was noting changes in my body, although there's a good chance that was either hormonal, a natural temporary stall, or some combination of the two. Regardless, it certainly doesn't hurt to take a mental inventory of how much praise I am giving God, whether to others or just inwardly in my own thinking.
I felt a little full-ish tonight after dinner because I drank tea along with dinner. With so little room in my tummy, there usually isn't much space for a drink and food at the same time. I had just made the tea, and was it ever good. I probably should've waited a bit before drinking any, though. I didn't eat very much, but with the tea it was still too much.
One of the interesting things I noted while reading about Larry was a mention of keeping track of every minute of exercise. I'm not sure if that indicates that I shouldn't be noting how much exercise I'm getting, or if it really matters as long as I'm not using that as an expectation of myself (or back-pats for what "I" am doing). Then again, maybe I am doing that without even meaning to. I have been pretty excited about the regular physical activity because I know it's good for me. I really only intended to keep a written record of the food and activity for the first thirty days, anyway. I doubt it would do me much good on a long-term basis, since I will know what I'm doing and that's what matters.
That said, I have found it interesting going back over the listings of what I've eaten along with the amount of exercise. One of the most sobering things for me has been the comparison between what I eat in a day now, and what I was eating in a day before getting back on the TW path. Even as sporadic as my eating was before, it was still obviously far more than my body really needs. I probably eat less than a fourth of what I ate before, and by following natural hunger signs and taste indications I've found that sweets have almost completely disappeared from my "diet". I truly eat what I want, but I find that I genuinely don't want those things. The only "sweet" things I find that I look forward to are coffee, sweet tea, and the occasional (but rare) Frappuccino.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Walked for 30 min.
I was thinking through each heckler as I read, and noting that I didn't seem to be having any trouble with the first two. When Abigail popped up, I started wondering if maybe I haven't been overtly giving God enough glory and praise for what He is doing in me. I did feel like I stalled a little bit in how great I was feeling and how quickly I was noting changes in my body, although there's a good chance that was either hormonal, a natural temporary stall, or some combination of the two. Regardless, it certainly doesn't hurt to take a mental inventory of how much praise I am giving God, whether to others or just inwardly in my own thinking.
I felt a little full-ish tonight after dinner because I drank tea along with dinner. With so little room in my tummy, there usually isn't much space for a drink and food at the same time. I had just made the tea, and was it ever good. I probably should've waited a bit before drinking any, though. I didn't eat very much, but with the tea it was still too much.
One of the interesting things I noted while reading about Larry was a mention of keeping track of every minute of exercise. I'm not sure if that indicates that I shouldn't be noting how much exercise I'm getting, or if it really matters as long as I'm not using that as an expectation of myself (or back-pats for what "I" am doing). Then again, maybe I am doing that without even meaning to. I have been pretty excited about the regular physical activity because I know it's good for me. I really only intended to keep a written record of the food and activity for the first thirty days, anyway. I doubt it would do me much good on a long-term basis, since I will know what I'm doing and that's what matters.
That said, I have found it interesting going back over the listings of what I've eaten along with the amount of exercise. One of the most sobering things for me has been the comparison between what I eat in a day now, and what I was eating in a day before getting back on the TW path. Even as sporadic as my eating was before, it was still obviously far more than my body really needs. I probably eat less than a fourth of what I ate before, and by following natural hunger signs and taste indications I've found that sweets have almost completely disappeared from my "diet". I truly eat what I want, but I find that I genuinely don't want those things. The only "sweet" things I find that I look forward to are coffee, sweet tea, and the occasional (but rare) Frappuccino.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1/2 cup chicken fajita filling
- 1-cup meal (Polish sausage, green beans, pasta)
Activity: Walked for 30 min.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day 16
I haven't read in the past couple of days. So much for catching up. :)
I feel like I hit a bit of an emotional wall over the past couple of days. Nothing else has really changed, so it could just be my hormones wigging out. I seem to vaguely remember hitting such a wall the first time around with this, though. I'm going to keep trusting that God is doing a good thing here, and just keep being faithful to HIm knowing He will always be faithful to me.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Walked for 40 min.
I feel like I hit a bit of an emotional wall over the past couple of days. Nothing else has really changed, so it could just be my hormones wigging out. I seem to vaguely remember hitting such a wall the first time around with this, though. I'm going to keep trusting that God is doing a good thing here, and just keep being faithful to HIm knowing He will always be faithful to me.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1/4 Chik-Fil-A sandwich
- 1-cup meal (chicken breast, pasta)
Activity: Walked for 40 min.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Day 15
We spent the day in Brandon today. We did our walk around the outside of the mall, at a pretty brisk pace. I'm definitely not used to walking at that time of day--too hot!--but I was really glad when we pulled into our driveway at 9pm that our walk was already done for the day.
I think part of my problem with the anger about the food was really a hormonal issue. I have a couple of days a month that I just have a really tough time hormonally and emotionally. Man, that was rough. It's amazing what an EPO, a good night's sleep, and a lot of prayer can do. That was day 9 of my cycle, just for the record. Might be interesting to see if it occurs on the same day next month.
Another thing I discovered over the past day or two is that my mind turns to food when I'm bored or stressed. So it isn't just grief that was playing havoc with my eating habits. That's good information to have. Uploading large photo albums to a fussy website is where boredom and stress meet head on, and that is exactly where I was most of the day yesterday. I'm finishing the upload this evening, and so far things have gone better (for which I am very grateful!). With God's help, though, I have maintained and haven't strayed off the path He has me (back) on. He is pretty danged awesome.
Dailies:
Food:
TIW181-5
I think part of my problem with the anger about the food was really a hormonal issue. I have a couple of days a month that I just have a really tough time hormonally and emotionally. Man, that was rough. It's amazing what an EPO, a good night's sleep, and a lot of prayer can do. That was day 9 of my cycle, just for the record. Might be interesting to see if it occurs on the same day next month.
Another thing I discovered over the past day or two is that my mind turns to food when I'm bored or stressed. So it isn't just grief that was playing havoc with my eating habits. That's good information to have. Uploading large photo albums to a fussy website is where boredom and stress meet head on, and that is exactly where I was most of the day yesterday. I'm finishing the upload this evening, and so far things have gone better (for which I am very grateful!). With God's help, though, I have maintained and haven't strayed off the path He has me (back) on. He is pretty danged awesome.
Dailies:
Food:
- Small slice of thin-crust pepperoni pizza
- 1-cup meal (orange chicken, string bean chicken with onions)
TIW181-5
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Day 14 Ends Week 2
I've had a couple of pretty tough days hormonally, which is normal for me. I think I was subconsciously hoping all my hormonal woes would disappear with being back on track. Oh, well. Maybe eventually. Guess I shouldn't be surprised, and definitely shouldn't complain, since considering my age it's a miracle I'm not in the throes of menopause yet. Ack. Don't even want to think about that.
Today was the first time since I started two weeks ago that I actually felt a desire to eat something just because my mouth wanted it even though my tummy wasn't hungry. It was thin crust pepperoni pizza, fresh from the oven, and it smelled and looked amazing. I wrapped up a piece for later, but didn't give in and eat it like I wanted to.
I think I had reached a point where I thought I was going to get to skip the part where temptation was really tough to grapple with. I haven't felt that this whole time until now. This is also the first pang of self-pity I've experienced over not being able to just pig out without caring like so many people seem to be able to do--some with seemingly little if any consequences. If not pig out, at least eat a teeny flipping piece of pizza just because it looks and smells great! I actually feel a little bit angry, but I'll get over it. There were bound to be hard parts.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
Today was the first time since I started two weeks ago that I actually felt a desire to eat something just because my mouth wanted it even though my tummy wasn't hungry. It was thin crust pepperoni pizza, fresh from the oven, and it smelled and looked amazing. I wrapped up a piece for later, but didn't give in and eat it like I wanted to.
I think I had reached a point where I thought I was going to get to skip the part where temptation was really tough to grapple with. I haven't felt that this whole time until now. This is also the first pang of self-pity I've experienced over not being able to just pig out without caring like so many people seem to be able to do--some with seemingly little if any consequences. If not pig out, at least eat a teeny flipping piece of pizza just because it looks and smells great! I actually feel a little bit angry, but I'll get over it. There were bound to be hard parts.
Dailies:
Food:
- 2/3 Chik-Fil-A sandwich, 1 waffle fry
- 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Lucky 13
Day Thirteen--my favorite number.
Today seems to be going by a little too quickly. I'm not quite ready for it to be nearly 3:30pm. I'm almost caught up on the days' readings in the TW book. I think I'm like one day behind now, which isn't bad. I'll probably cover that tonight. I have to get all of my photography files ready for uploading to the printer for the art festival by Monday, so I'll need to make time for that.
I was reading in the TW book about lies we believe from the Enemy that contribute to our weight being out of whack. It listed several, and at one time or another I've believed (and lived out that belief) every single one. No wonder I was larger than life. I tried on a pair of the size 8 jean capris again yesterday, and they weren't quite as tight as the day before. I won't be doing that every day; I just felt like seeing if there was any change. I wish they'd had a pair of 10's, because I'm pretty sure I could wear those comfortably now. Who knew?
I decided not to continue pushing water on myself, and not just because it's unpleasant. I was reading about how it really isn't mandatory to have a set amount of water per day (like I've always heard), and if I'm sticking with my body's signals, natural hunger, and natural thirst, why would I force down water that makes me want to puke? It isn't like I'm consuming large quantities of other drinks, either. When I'm thirsty, I drink something. Seems like that's the way it should be, just like with eating.
I discovered today that a one-cup meal is really too much at once. I also discovered that I don't like the way soda makes me feel all bloaty, so I doubt I'll be drinking much Pepsi except for maybe a sip here and there. Eventually I probably won't even want it any more.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity:
Today seems to be going by a little too quickly. I'm not quite ready for it to be nearly 3:30pm. I'm almost caught up on the days' readings in the TW book. I think I'm like one day behind now, which isn't bad. I'll probably cover that tonight. I have to get all of my photography files ready for uploading to the printer for the art festival by Monday, so I'll need to make time for that.
I was reading in the TW book about lies we believe from the Enemy that contribute to our weight being out of whack. It listed several, and at one time or another I've believed (and lived out that belief) every single one. No wonder I was larger than life. I tried on a pair of the size 8 jean capris again yesterday, and they weren't quite as tight as the day before. I won't be doing that every day; I just felt like seeing if there was any change. I wish they'd had a pair of 10's, because I'm pretty sure I could wear those comfortably now. Who knew?
I decided not to continue pushing water on myself, and not just because it's unpleasant. I was reading about how it really isn't mandatory to have a set amount of water per day (like I've always heard), and if I'm sticking with my body's signals, natural hunger, and natural thirst, why would I force down water that makes me want to puke? It isn't like I'm consuming large quantities of other drinks, either. When I'm thirsty, I drink something. Seems like that's the way it should be, just like with eating.
I discovered today that a one-cup meal is really too much at once. I also discovered that I don't like the way soda makes me feel all bloaty, so I doubt I'll be drinking much Pepsi except for maybe a sip here and there. Eventually I probably won't even want it any more.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/4 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1/2 cup Teriyaki chicken
- 1-cup meal (chicken fajitas with nacho chips)
Activity:
Thursday, October 21, 2010
And Then They Were 12
Twelve days on the right track, and it's going really well. I'm feeling great, and I find my general outlook is positive most of the time. I'm far less stressed than what had become the norm for me, which is a blessing all its own. I'm enjoying reading the TW book, although I'm still not "caught up". I may take my book with me tonight since I will be doing some reading anyway. Then again, I may peruse Barnes & Noble for some other books on intuitive eating, just in the interest of variety.
We are spending the evening in Brandon this evening, so we'll need to find a way to get our walk in while we're out since we won't be home until pretty late.
______________
We ended up walking in the Wal-Mart parking lot. We had a really fun evening together.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
We are spending the evening in Brandon this evening, so we'll need to find a way to get our walk in while we're out since we won't be home until pretty late.
______________
We ended up walking in the Wal-Mart parking lot. We had a really fun evening together.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/2 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 4 Chik-Fil-A nuggets and 3 waffle fries
- 1/4 chocolate chunk cookie
- 1 Arby's chicken tender
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day Eleven
I will only be numbering the days for the first 30 days, then I can go on to more clever and catchy titles.
I'm finding myself amused by how little food my body is calling for. I didn't get a tummy growl until noon today, and then didn't get another one until 3:15 and when I ate at 3:15 I had like two or three bites of a deli meat and cheese roll and that was all I wanted. Oh, and I had a curly fry about the size of the end of my thumb. Anyway, when I think of how much food I was eating before, it kind of blows my mind. I wasn't stuffing myself, but gosh, I was eating WAY more than I am now. *sigh*
Then again, for the past 11 days, I've been eating a fraction of what most (even skinny) people eat. Oh, well. I trust my body, so it'll all balance out.
Dailies:
Food:
Water: 32 oz.
Activity: Brisk-walked for 40 min.
I'm finding myself amused by how little food my body is calling for. I didn't get a tummy growl until noon today, and then didn't get another one until 3:15 and when I ate at 3:15 I had like two or three bites of a deli meat and cheese roll and that was all I wanted. Oh, and I had a curly fry about the size of the end of my thumb. Anyway, when I think of how much food I was eating before, it kind of blows my mind. I wasn't stuffing myself, but gosh, I was eating WAY more than I am now. *sigh*
Then again, for the past 11 days, I've been eating a fraction of what most (even skinny) people eat. Oh, well. I trust my body, so it'll all balance out.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 3 bites meat & cheese roll
- 1 Arby's curly fry
- 1/2 cup sausage & yellow rice
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
Water: 32 oz.
Activity: Brisk-walked for 40 min.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Big Ten Tuesday
So it's Day 10. Steve was commenting last night about the fact that we've walked every day since I started back with TW. I'm sure there will probably be days when for one reason or another we can't do our walk, but I figure the more of a habit it is in general, the better we will feel overall. That way the once-in-a-whiles when we can't walk won't hurt anything. Flexibility within structure is a good way to live.
I found two pairs of jean capris and two shirts today, all for less than $10. total! I was stoked. I've donated most of my larger clothing from my closet, and will be going through my dresser drawers this week. The jeans I bought today are for a little bit down the road--although I did get them up and zipped, and they are size 8! I have them hanging in the closet and will try them on once each week and when they are comfortable I will keep wearing them. The two shirts I found today are size medium, and I have one of them on right now. :)
I'm on my second bottle of water at nearly 4pm. Yesterday I only drank one bottle all day, so today I'm shooting for two. Slow but steady increase works best for me, since I'm working on rebuilding my natural thirst for water. Right now I'm not liking it much, but that will gradually change. I'm making Polish sausage and yellow rice for supper.
I'm looking forward to a relaxed family evening tonight.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
I found two pairs of jean capris and two shirts today, all for less than $10. total! I was stoked. I've donated most of my larger clothing from my closet, and will be going through my dresser drawers this week. The jeans I bought today are for a little bit down the road--although I did get them up and zipped, and they are size 8! I have them hanging in the closet and will try them on once each week and when they are comfortable I will keep wearing them. The two shirts I found today are size medium, and I have one of them on right now. :)
I'm on my second bottle of water at nearly 4pm. Yesterday I only drank one bottle all day, so today I'm shooting for two. Slow but steady increase works best for me, since I'm working on rebuilding my natural thirst for water. Right now I'm not liking it much, but that will gradually change. I'm making Polish sausage and yellow rice for supper.
I'm looking forward to a relaxed family evening tonight.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1 cup chicken salad with crackers
- 1/2 cup Polish sausage & yellow rice
- 1/2 tropical fruit cup
Activity: Brisk-walked for 30 min.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Day Nine Sunshine :)
My challenge for this week is drinking more water. Not obsessing about how much, but trying to get back into the habit of having water be my intuitive go-to drink. It usually takes me a week or two of pushing it on myself to regain my natural thirst; once that happens, it's much easier to consume healthier amounts of it during a day.
I was thinking today about how my focus has so completely shifted away from food, and how that is affecting my normal operation in the home. I have to consciously remind myself to bake the bread (which I normally do daily, with few exceptions), and I'm not constantly on the hunt for a new recipe to chop up and remake into something all my own. My hope is that once I'm really in the groove with all of this adjustment, things will balance back out to where I can find a happy place in the middle where my passion for cooking coexists alongside my sensibilities regarding food consumption.
The great thing about TW is that it supports the truth that God intended for food to be enjoyable in moderation, which means I don't have to choose between love of food and cooking, and living a healthy and fit lifestyle. No deprivation--just appreciation of all things in moderation. Sounds like a winning plan to me.
Food:
I was thinking today about how my focus has so completely shifted away from food, and how that is affecting my normal operation in the home. I have to consciously remind myself to bake the bread (which I normally do daily, with few exceptions), and I'm not constantly on the hunt for a new recipe to chop up and remake into something all my own. My hope is that once I'm really in the groove with all of this adjustment, things will balance back out to where I can find a happy place in the middle where my passion for cooking coexists alongside my sensibilities regarding food consumption.
The great thing about TW is that it supports the truth that God intended for food to be enjoyable in moderation, which means I don't have to choose between love of food and cooking, and living a healthy and fit lifestyle. No deprivation--just appreciation of all things in moderation. Sounds like a winning plan to me.
Food:
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
- 1/2 cup grilled chicken salad with crackers
- 1-cup meal (sm. fried chicken tender, mashed potatoes & gravy, baby carrots, chicken & yellow rice)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Day Eight--In Under the Wire!
I very nearly missed posting while it's still Day 8! It's been a VERY busy day for us.
I've been really enjoying what I'm reading in Thin Within. I still haven't "caught up" on the reading (I'm on like Day Five or something like that in the book), but I'll get caught up eventually. Interestingly, almost all of the Observation and Correction activities I find I'm already preempting, so they are unnecessary. I take that as a good thing. I'm really feeling good about being in so many different settings and still adhering to the TW principles without any struggle, and without even much purposed thought involved (meaning that I'm finding it comes very naturally without a lot of effort).
It's almost amusing to realize that even though the dinner I made tonight was pretty doggone epic (if I do say so myself) and a month ago I might have just "naturally" dove in and overeaten, I now find the thought of overeating rather distasteful and even foreign. I take that as yet another good sign.
I have caught myself seeing something and reaching for it, only to remember that I'm not hungry, so it doesn't go in my mouth. That happened this morning with the homemade chocolate chip cookies Rosie and I made last night and sealed in a bowl on the counter. I saw them this morning and almost ate one, then realized my tummy hadn't growled yet. I put 4 small cookies in a sealed container in my purse and headed off to church. My tummy finally growled right after church (about 11:30am), so I pulled the cookies out. I ate one and gave away the other three. My tummy was happy until we got to Nana & Papa's for dinner. I ate tiny portions there, and felt awesome afterward.
One thing of note: I paid particular attention at both of the main meals today to eat slowly and savor the meal, conversing with everyone at the table during the meal and stretching it out to near the time frame it took everyone else to eat their meals. It worked out really well and felt very natural. I can tell it won't take me long to make that a habit so that it comes as naturally as sporadically overeating was before--with much healthier results.
Food:
Activity:
I've been really enjoying what I'm reading in Thin Within. I still haven't "caught up" on the reading (I'm on like Day Five or something like that in the book), but I'll get caught up eventually. Interestingly, almost all of the Observation and Correction activities I find I'm already preempting, so they are unnecessary. I take that as a good thing. I'm really feeling good about being in so many different settings and still adhering to the TW principles without any struggle, and without even much purposed thought involved (meaning that I'm finding it comes very naturally without a lot of effort).
It's almost amusing to realize that even though the dinner I made tonight was pretty doggone epic (if I do say so myself) and a month ago I might have just "naturally" dove in and overeaten, I now find the thought of overeating rather distasteful and even foreign. I take that as yet another good sign.
I have caught myself seeing something and reaching for it, only to remember that I'm not hungry, so it doesn't go in my mouth. That happened this morning with the homemade chocolate chip cookies Rosie and I made last night and sealed in a bowl on the counter. I saw them this morning and almost ate one, then realized my tummy hadn't growled yet. I put 4 small cookies in a sealed container in my purse and headed off to church. My tummy finally growled right after church (about 11:30am), so I pulled the cookies out. I ate one and gave away the other three. My tummy was happy until we got to Nana & Papa's for dinner. I ate tiny portions there, and felt awesome afterward.
One thing of note: I paid particular attention at both of the main meals today to eat slowly and savor the meal, conversing with everyone at the table during the meal and stretching it out to near the time frame it took everyone else to eat their meals. It worked out really well and felt very natural. I can tell it won't take me long to make that a habit so that it comes as naturally as sporadically overeating was before--with much healthier results.
Food:
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
- 1/2 granola bar
- 1-cup meal (chicken & yellow rice, peas, 1/4 yeast roll)
- 1-cup meal (small fried chicken tender, mashed potatoes/gravy, steamed baby carrots)
Activity:
- Brisk-walked for 30 minutes
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Day Seven? Already?
Hard to believe it's really been 7 days. I feel so much better, it feels like longer. I've been trying to catch up in my Thin Within book, but it's no biggie because I remembered so many of the principles from before, all of the ones I'm currently reading about are ones I've been doing since I restarted. I'd still like to catch up, though, just because in some circumstances I can be methodical like that.
My tummy woke me up growling at 6am, so I ate a couple of bites of applesauce to shut it up. It's been behaving since then, so I'll probably be getting another nudge pretty soon since it's almost 10. Right now I'm enjoying my morning coffee.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We had a good time hanging out at Luke & Lakin's. Luke ended up being there the whole time, and Lakin and Laura and Caleb came back early so we got to hang out for a while. Laura told me she reads my blogs. I heart her a whole bunch!
I made a couple of pans of homemade rolls this evening. I'm taking some of them to Nana & Papa's for dinner tomorrow after church. The whole house smells like fresh-baked bread.
Steve and I were talking during our walk tonight about some of the feelings I've kind of buried regarding my mother's death. I'm trying to work through some of the little bit of denial that is still hanging around five years after, and as always Steve is an amazing listener and counselor. He mostly listens and supports, which is what I need most. I know he adored my mama, which really makes it a lot easier to talk to him about the deeper things.
Food:
A couple of bites of applesauce
2 small slices thin crust cheese pizza
About a cup total, turkey taco meat and salsa with nacho chips
Activity:
Brisk-walked for 30 minutes
My tummy woke me up growling at 6am, so I ate a couple of bites of applesauce to shut it up. It's been behaving since then, so I'll probably be getting another nudge pretty soon since it's almost 10. Right now I'm enjoying my morning coffee.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We had a good time hanging out at Luke & Lakin's. Luke ended up being there the whole time, and Lakin and Laura and Caleb came back early so we got to hang out for a while. Laura told me she reads my blogs. I heart her a whole bunch!
I made a couple of pans of homemade rolls this evening. I'm taking some of them to Nana & Papa's for dinner tomorrow after church. The whole house smells like fresh-baked bread.
Steve and I were talking during our walk tonight about some of the feelings I've kind of buried regarding my mother's death. I'm trying to work through some of the little bit of denial that is still hanging around five years after, and as always Steve is an amazing listener and counselor. He mostly listens and supports, which is what I need most. I know he adored my mama, which really makes it a lot easier to talk to him about the deeper things.
Food:
A couple of bites of applesauce
2 small slices thin crust cheese pizza
About a cup total, turkey taco meat and salsa with nacho chips
Activity:
Brisk-walked for 30 minutes
Friday, October 15, 2010
A Busy Day Six
We did a lot of errand-running today. It was nice having energy for all of it. Found a couple of Christmas presents to hide away. Got new walking/running shoes. Now I just have to find the right socks to wear with them, since I found out tonight the no-show kind aren't going to work without me getting blisters. Yep. Not fun.
I found some 1-cup storage bowls today! Yeah, it doesn't take much to amuse me sometimes.
I have to say I'm finding it rather interesting how LITTLE food I actually need. Probably because my body has had a few years of disordered eating to pack away bunches of it in the form of a whole lot of fluff that I'm hoping it's munching on pretty often lately! Yeah, I'm pretty excited about watching my fat fall off. :) Honestly, I'm looking forward to the real me escaping the limitations and imprisonment beneath layers of way too many things God has been waiting for me to ask Him to help me release. Yes, it was definitely time.
Today:
I found some 1-cup storage bowls today! Yeah, it doesn't take much to amuse me sometimes.
I have to say I'm finding it rather interesting how LITTLE food I actually need. Probably because my body has had a few years of disordered eating to pack away bunches of it in the form of a whole lot of fluff that I'm hoping it's munching on pretty often lately! Yeah, I'm pretty excited about watching my fat fall off. :) Honestly, I'm looking forward to the real me escaping the limitations and imprisonment beneath layers of way too many things God has been waiting for me to ask Him to help me release. Yes, it was definitely time.
Today:
- 1-cup meal (grilled chicken, mashed potatoes/gravy)
- 1 Arby's fried chicken strip
- 1 meat & cheese roll (slice of roast beef, slice of corned beef, slice of Swiss cheese, dill pickles)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day Five
I couldn't think of a cute title that didn't sound dorky (Day Five, and I'm Feeling Alive! or some such nonsense like that), so I'm leaving it just plain "Day Five".
Kind of a funny thing: It's nearly 10:30am and I haven't felt truly hungry yet. I refuse to eat anything until my body says to. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm hearing a growl.
It feels almost weird feeling motivated to get out and walk. I really need better walking/running shoes. Might have to fix that this weekend. Don't want to damage my ankles (which are actually a tad sore), and as Rosie found out last night, flip-flops are not the fitness-walking footwear of choice. She has a blood-blister on the end of her big toe. I was telling Steve last night that I wouldn't even mind starting to walk in the mornings. Think I can drag my night-owl, I-loathe-mornings daughter out of bed to walk with me that early?
Gosh, it feels great no longer being a slave to food. By working with my body's design, I feel like I've put control back in the hands of its Creator where it belongs. It's only been five days, but I already feel so much better, and in many ways.
I finally got a growl at around 11:30am. The next one came at about 2pm. It's now 3 and I'm feeling pretty content. It's funny how I haven't had candy in 5 or 6 days, not because I'm purposefully avoiding it, but because it isn't what my body is calling for. I have a jar full of Reese's cup miniatures in the fridge that I bought over a week ago, and I forgot they were there. Matt found them, though, so they might not be there for long. :)
Walked twice around the block with Steve. Had to slow the pace a bit because even though my Croc flip-flops are way more comfortable than my sneakers, they still make my shins hurt if I walk too briskly. Yeah, I definitely need new walking shoes.
Dailies:
Food:
Activity: Brisk-walked for 20 min.
Kind of a funny thing: It's nearly 10:30am and I haven't felt truly hungry yet. I refuse to eat anything until my body says to. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm hearing a growl.
It feels almost weird feeling motivated to get out and walk. I really need better walking/running shoes. Might have to fix that this weekend. Don't want to damage my ankles (which are actually a tad sore), and as Rosie found out last night, flip-flops are not the fitness-walking footwear of choice. She has a blood-blister on the end of her big toe. I was telling Steve last night that I wouldn't even mind starting to walk in the mornings. Think I can drag my night-owl, I-loathe-mornings daughter out of bed to walk with me that early?
Gosh, it feels great no longer being a slave to food. By working with my body's design, I feel like I've put control back in the hands of its Creator where it belongs. It's only been five days, but I already feel so much better, and in many ways.
I finally got a growl at around 11:30am. The next one came at about 2pm. It's now 3 and I'm feeling pretty content. It's funny how I haven't had candy in 5 or 6 days, not because I'm purposefully avoiding it, but because it isn't what my body is calling for. I have a jar full of Reese's cup miniatures in the fridge that I bought over a week ago, and I forgot they were there. Matt found them, though, so they might not be there for long. :)
Walked twice around the block with Steve. Had to slow the pace a bit because even though my Croc flip-flops are way more comfortable than my sneakers, they still make my shins hurt if I walk too briskly. Yeah, I definitely need new walking shoes.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1 cup salad
- 1/4 cup mashed potatoes with gravy
- 1/2 oz. grilled chicken
- 4 nacho chips with salsa
Activity: Brisk-walked for 20 min.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day Four - Visualizing the Positive
I have had a mild headache all day. I'm actually surprised it took this long to show up, given the dramatic change in my eating habits. I'm sure my body is reacting to WAY less consumption of sweets.
My clothes are already slightly looser. Sounds crazy, but I can tell. And I have to say, I am really liking it. God is so awesome to allow me to see results so quickly, knowing how much it motivates me to keep going knowing I am heading in the right direction. He is amazing.
I have a bin of smaller clothing that I put away as the weight started coming back, and though I have started several times to donate them, something always prevented me from doing so. I was thinking about putting the bin in our bedroom where I can see it often, just as a beacon of what I will eventually reach. I am sad to say that not so long ago I actually believed I would never use them again.
Afterword:
I opened the bin today and pulled out some of the clothes I know I won't be wearing again because of style. What really surprised me was that I put ON my very favorite pair of khaki capris, which are size 10, and although I couldn't come close to zipping them, I actually got them UP, which from a size 16 a few weeks ago, I think is pretty miraculous! I put a few things back in the bin that I know will take a little while yet, and a few I don't think will be too far off I put in the closet for another try in a few weeks. I put a pair of black stretchy capris on and they were so comfortable I kept them on. :)
Steve and I are walking after supper, then I plan to walk again with Rosie after dance. It's good to have energy again!
NOTE: I'm regularly including what I eat in a day not to count calories or fat grams, nor to have it act as a food log like many diets call for. This is simply a record of what I eat, for myself.
Today's Cumulative Total:
1/2 cup of beef/vegetable soup
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 granola bar
2.5 oz. grilled chicken
1/4 cup green beans
1/4 cup mashed potatoes with brown gravy
1 cup tossed salad
I walked around the block once with Steve and Ollie, and then another time around with Rosie after dance. She hit her toe on a broken piece of sidewalk, so we just went around once. Ollie isn't a good walk-taker, so I probably won't be taking him on a regular basis. He wants to pee on literally every yard we pass, so forget about any kind of pace with him along. I will take Steve again, though. I heart walking with him. :)
In case my blogging pattern hasn't yet become clear, my tendency is to do a post that I edit throughout the day, adding and amending as the day goes on. Just mentioning that so all my millions of readers (ha!) know that the daily posts aren't complete until later in the day.
Oh, something else that occurred to me today. I have a couple of profile pictures I tend to use often, and the reason I use them is because I think they look like the "real me". I was thinking about that tonight, and was actually talking to Rosie a little bit about it, and it hit me that I really need to look like the "real me"--the one I see in my mind's eye as the me I like. Maybe in a future post I will describe her. I want to give it some thought first.
My clothes are already slightly looser. Sounds crazy, but I can tell. And I have to say, I am really liking it. God is so awesome to allow me to see results so quickly, knowing how much it motivates me to keep going knowing I am heading in the right direction. He is amazing.
I have a bin of smaller clothing that I put away as the weight started coming back, and though I have started several times to donate them, something always prevented me from doing so. I was thinking about putting the bin in our bedroom where I can see it often, just as a beacon of what I will eventually reach. I am sad to say that not so long ago I actually believed I would never use them again.
Afterword:
I opened the bin today and pulled out some of the clothes I know I won't be wearing again because of style. What really surprised me was that I put ON my very favorite pair of khaki capris, which are size 10, and although I couldn't come close to zipping them, I actually got them UP, which from a size 16 a few weeks ago, I think is pretty miraculous! I put a few things back in the bin that I know will take a little while yet, and a few I don't think will be too far off I put in the closet for another try in a few weeks. I put a pair of black stretchy capris on and they were so comfortable I kept them on. :)
Steve and I are walking after supper, then I plan to walk again with Rosie after dance. It's good to have energy again!
NOTE: I'm regularly including what I eat in a day not to count calories or fat grams, nor to have it act as a food log like many diets call for. This is simply a record of what I eat, for myself.
Today's Cumulative Total:
1/2 cup of beef/vegetable soup
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 granola bar
2.5 oz. grilled chicken
1/4 cup green beans
1/4 cup mashed potatoes with brown gravy
1 cup tossed salad
I walked around the block once with Steve and Ollie, and then another time around with Rosie after dance. She hit her toe on a broken piece of sidewalk, so we just went around once. Ollie isn't a good walk-taker, so I probably won't be taking him on a regular basis. He wants to pee on literally every yard we pass, so forget about any kind of pace with him along. I will take Steve again, though. I heart walking with him. :)
In case my blogging pattern hasn't yet become clear, my tendency is to do a post that I edit throughout the day, adding and amending as the day goes on. Just mentioning that so all my millions of readers (ha!) know that the daily posts aren't complete until later in the day.
Oh, something else that occurred to me today. I have a couple of profile pictures I tend to use often, and the reason I use them is because I think they look like the "real me". I was thinking about that tonight, and was actually talking to Rosie a little bit about it, and it hit me that I really need to look like the "real me"--the one I see in my mind's eye as the me I like. Maybe in a future post I will describe her. I want to give it some thought first.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A Few Tips I've Found Helpful (for me and others)
I thought I would include a few tips I shared with my friend, in case I need a reminder later. :)
1. If you aren't hungry, don't eat.
2. If your tummy growls, give it something, if only a few bites (that is actually better, anyway).
3. Eat exactly what your body is asking for, whether it be fruit, a veggie, a brownie, some kind of meat, or a piece of candy. Just eat a small amount of it.
4. A good rule of thumb (haha) is the fist principle. The human stomach is "supposed" to be about the size of your balled-up fist. Most of us have tummies that are stretched out way beyond that, which is why we can "hold" larger meals. But you've probably noticed that when you've gone for a while without overeating, your tummy "shrinks". All it's really doing is going back down to the size it's supposed to be! :)
5. Drink plenty of water, but don't obsess over how much. I drink whatever I want, which is generally either sweet tea, Pepsi, or Gatorade, but sometimes water with a slice of some kind of fruit (lime, orange, lemon, strawberry, etc.). What I've found is that the more I listen to my body's signals and eat small portions, the more my energy picks back up, the more I want to exercise, and the more my natural thirst for water comes back, so it all works together, each being a cause and an effect in turn.
1. If you aren't hungry, don't eat.
2. If your tummy growls, give it something, if only a few bites (that is actually better, anyway).
3. Eat exactly what your body is asking for, whether it be fruit, a veggie, a brownie, some kind of meat, or a piece of candy. Just eat a small amount of it.
4. A good rule of thumb (haha) is the fist principle. The human stomach is "supposed" to be about the size of your balled-up fist. Most of us have tummies that are stretched out way beyond that, which is why we can "hold" larger meals. But you've probably noticed that when you've gone for a while without overeating, your tummy "shrinks". All it's really doing is going back down to the size it's supposed to be! :)
5. Drink plenty of water, but don't obsess over how much. I drink whatever I want, which is generally either sweet tea, Pepsi, or Gatorade, but sometimes water with a slice of some kind of fruit (lime, orange, lemon, strawberry, etc.). What I've found is that the more I listen to my body's signals and eat small portions, the more my energy picks back up, the more I want to exercise, and the more my natural thirst for water comes back, so it all works together, each being a cause and an effect in turn.
Day Three, and All is Well
I'm noting some interesting things, just three days (back) in.
I feel more energetic.
I realize some of this could be in my head, but my thought is, so what if it is? If I feel more energetic, that's the important thing, right?
I feel better about myself in general.
Oddly when I look in the mirror now, I don't automatically quickly turn away repulsed by what I see. Apparently there was more than just a pudgy face looking back at me; The person looking back at me wasn't facing her grief and was letting her body pay the price for it. The woman looking back at me now is taking measures to improve health, to extend her life, to live in the abundance God intended for her from the beginning. Maybe at some point I will actually arrive at believing I deserve good things! Hey, it could happen. I feel better about myself simply knowing that I can look my daughter in the eye and be happy about the measures I am intentionally taking to make sure that not only am I around for as much of her life as possible, but I'm also living a good example for her to follow throughout her life.
I feel more in tune with my body's needs and signals.
I have always been pretty acutely aware of my body, but for most of my life it has been in a very negative way: too much fat, too short, not strong enough, leftover baby belly, stubby little feet, etc. Since we lost our health insurance I have noticed that I am intentionally less intuitive about my body and any possible issues with my health because a. I'm scared to find out something is wrong and don't want to die young like both of my parents did, b. To pay attention to what is going on with my body is to acknowledge the 40 lbs. I've gained since Mama died, and I didn't want to think of either one, and c. There was nothing I could do about a health issue anyway without insurance or money to afford health care. BUT...for the past few days I have felt freer to think about my body and my health because I feel like I am actually taking positive measures to make things better.
I feel more attuned to God's voice.
Over the past few years, when I would see food, it might have just gotten popped into my mouth because 1. it was there, 2. other people were eating, 3. it looked good, or 4. it was "time" to eat. Not so much now. When I think of food, I think of God, and it's almost involuntary now that I simply ask Him if I'm hungry. I can almost hear Him telling me to check for signals. No growl, no hungry feeling in my tummy, then no, not hungry. Either of those things present? Have at it! I also intuitively eat three or four bites at the most at one time, which satisfies the hunger but leaves me feeling comfortable and not overfull. I'm finding that generally speaking, hunger happens every couple of hours for me. Having God right there all the time answering my heart's questions naturally makes me feel close to Him all the time. Not that I didn't already walk pretty close to Him, but now I feel like I've truly given this area of my life to Him. It's rather freeing.
Food tastes have become more acute.
Maybe I just didn't pay too close attention to how food tasted before. Or maybe if I acknowledged how good it tasted, that thought was quickly tackled by the guilt of my disordered eating, effectually robbing me of any enjoyment of food, ever. Now, because I am paying attention to hunger signs and only eating tiny portions of exactly what my body is craving, I am finding that food tastes much better and satisfies in a way that it didn't before.
Eating "whatever I want" produces interesting results with intuitive eating.
Instead of craving junk, I am craving soup, fruit, chicken, and veggies. This should not surprise me at all, since the same thing happened 10 years ago when I first read and started following the Thin Within principles. Duh.
I am making an effort to make sure I have small portions of appealing food readily available, knowing that my lack of focus ON food has me also naturally not being interested in it (which means if I feel hungry and there's nothing nearby, I'm very likely to just skip it until later). Responding to hunger signals keeps the metabolism rolling at optimum, which is the best plan for digestion and body function.
I went to the store this morning and bought crackers, granola bars, apple sauce, soup, and fruit to have available to eat. I also picked up some Gatorade to have something healthy to drink and to make sure my potassium stays at a good level.
Today's combined eating (if I can remember):
I talked to Rosie a little bit about what I began on 10/10/10. I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with my best girlfriend.
Oh! I talked to my friend Lisa (we've been friends since middle school) today and I think she is going to do the TW journey with me! I'm really happy about that.
I feel more energetic.
I realize some of this could be in my head, but my thought is, so what if it is? If I feel more energetic, that's the important thing, right?
I feel better about myself in general.
Oddly when I look in the mirror now, I don't automatically quickly turn away repulsed by what I see. Apparently there was more than just a pudgy face looking back at me; The person looking back at me wasn't facing her grief and was letting her body pay the price for it. The woman looking back at me now is taking measures to improve health, to extend her life, to live in the abundance God intended for her from the beginning. Maybe at some point I will actually arrive at believing I deserve good things! Hey, it could happen. I feel better about myself simply knowing that I can look my daughter in the eye and be happy about the measures I am intentionally taking to make sure that not only am I around for as much of her life as possible, but I'm also living a good example for her to follow throughout her life.
I feel more in tune with my body's needs and signals.
I have always been pretty acutely aware of my body, but for most of my life it has been in a very negative way: too much fat, too short, not strong enough, leftover baby belly, stubby little feet, etc. Since we lost our health insurance I have noticed that I am intentionally less intuitive about my body and any possible issues with my health because a. I'm scared to find out something is wrong and don't want to die young like both of my parents did, b. To pay attention to what is going on with my body is to acknowledge the 40 lbs. I've gained since Mama died, and I didn't want to think of either one, and c. There was nothing I could do about a health issue anyway without insurance or money to afford health care. BUT...for the past few days I have felt freer to think about my body and my health because I feel like I am actually taking positive measures to make things better.
I feel more attuned to God's voice.
Over the past few years, when I would see food, it might have just gotten popped into my mouth because 1. it was there, 2. other people were eating, 3. it looked good, or 4. it was "time" to eat. Not so much now. When I think of food, I think of God, and it's almost involuntary now that I simply ask Him if I'm hungry. I can almost hear Him telling me to check for signals. No growl, no hungry feeling in my tummy, then no, not hungry. Either of those things present? Have at it! I also intuitively eat three or four bites at the most at one time, which satisfies the hunger but leaves me feeling comfortable and not overfull. I'm finding that generally speaking, hunger happens every couple of hours for me. Having God right there all the time answering my heart's questions naturally makes me feel close to Him all the time. Not that I didn't already walk pretty close to Him, but now I feel like I've truly given this area of my life to Him. It's rather freeing.
Food tastes have become more acute.
Maybe I just didn't pay too close attention to how food tasted before. Or maybe if I acknowledged how good it tasted, that thought was quickly tackled by the guilt of my disordered eating, effectually robbing me of any enjoyment of food, ever. Now, because I am paying attention to hunger signs and only eating tiny portions of exactly what my body is craving, I am finding that food tastes much better and satisfies in a way that it didn't before.
Eating "whatever I want" produces interesting results with intuitive eating.
Instead of craving junk, I am craving soup, fruit, chicken, and veggies. This should not surprise me at all, since the same thing happened 10 years ago when I first read and started following the Thin Within principles. Duh.
I am making an effort to make sure I have small portions of appealing food readily available, knowing that my lack of focus ON food has me also naturally not being interested in it (which means if I feel hungry and there's nothing nearby, I'm very likely to just skip it until later). Responding to hunger signals keeps the metabolism rolling at optimum, which is the best plan for digestion and body function.
I went to the store this morning and bought crackers, granola bars, apple sauce, soup, and fruit to have available to eat. I also picked up some Gatorade to have something healthy to drink and to make sure my potassium stays at a good level.
Today's combined eating (if I can remember):
- 1 banana
- About the equivalent of one tomato, in Caesar dressing with onions, peppers, mushrooms, and Feta cheese
- About 3oz. grilled chicken breast
- About 7 or 8 green beans
- About 1/2 cup of fried potatoes
- 4 pepperoni/cheddar cheese crackers
- A handful of honey nut Cheerios
I talked to Rosie a little bit about what I began on 10/10/10. I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with my best girlfriend.
Oh! I talked to my friend Lisa (we've been friends since middle school) today and I think she is going to do the TW journey with me! I'm really happy about that.
Monday, October 11, 2010
11:11. Make a Wish!
Pretty easy to think of a good wish to go along with this endeavor.
I wish for the continued focus to keep my mind and heart set on God's will for my life.
Second day in the books, and I am feeling pretty good. Let's see...what did I eat today...
Seems like there was something else, but I can't remember. Anyway, I've felt satisfied pretty much all day, so it's all good. My outlook has been good, and whether or not it's just in my head, I feel like I had more energy today. It's amazing what not overeating at all will do for you!
Now, to make sure my disinterest in food will balance out and not become an aversion to it.
I wish for the continued focus to keep my mind and heart set on God's will for my life.
Second day in the books, and I am feeling pretty good. Let's see...what did I eat today...
- About 3 or 4 oz. of roast chicken
- A cup of Autumn Soup
Seems like there was something else, but I can't remember. Anyway, I've felt satisfied pretty much all day, so it's all good. My outlook has been good, and whether or not it's just in my head, I feel like I had more energy today. It's amazing what not overeating at all will do for you!
Now, to make sure my disinterest in food will balance out and not become an aversion to it.
Day Two Ponderings
Day two is going well. Maybe it's a timing thing. I think back over how many times in the past few years that I have become thoroughly disgusted with myself (well, my body, specifically) and thought about needing to do something about it. I've even made pitiful attempts at it, but it wasn't purposeful--just sort of stabbing in the dark. I feel like now I have direction.
I just have to stay focused on the people and things in my life that truly matter and are the secondary core (behind God) of why I need to make this change for the better. Focus. Focus.
I am ashamed that I had forgotten what true physical hunger felt like. I remember now, and the timing is right.
I want to learn more about fasting and praying.
I just have to stay focused on the people and things in my life that truly matter and are the secondary core (behind God) of why I need to make this change for the better. Focus. Focus.
I am ashamed that I had forgotten what true physical hunger felt like. I remember now, and the timing is right.
I want to learn more about fasting and praying.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Day One Down
I've been really thoughtful and prayerful throughout the day. I've eaten half of a Checkers $1. cheeseburger and a cob of corn, and I honestly feel good. Like there is nothing more that I have needed and missed out on. It's actually rather freeing.
I was reading today in Thin Again where there are five main causes of disordered eating. I have experienced four of the five, some of them to alarming levels. The one that seems most at the forefront right now is unresolved grief over my mother's death five years ago. Working on my memoirs seems to be dredging up some things that are tough to remember. But I'm trying, and will continue to work at it.
I trust you with my heart, Abba. I trust you to complete the good work you began in me.
Dailies:
Food:
I was reading today in Thin Again where there are five main causes of disordered eating. I have experienced four of the five, some of them to alarming levels. The one that seems most at the forefront right now is unresolved grief over my mother's death five years ago. Working on my memoirs seems to be dredging up some things that are tough to remember. But I'm trying, and will continue to work at it.
I trust you with my heart, Abba. I trust you to complete the good work you began in me.
Dailies:
Food:
- 1/2 Checker's cheeseburger
- 1 cob of corn
Thin Again Starting 10-10-10
God willing, yesterday was the last day of disordered eating for me. My focus has been off for five years now, and it's time to get back to where I should be. I lost 70 lbs. in 7 months in 2000-01 and kept it off for four years. I didn't diet, and I didn't become obsessed with exercise. I simply put God back in first place in my life and shifted the focus back to Him, letting Him order my habits (all of them, including my eating). When Mama died, I lost control. No. I just lost focus. Control had been given over to Him, so in some ways I guess I took it back. Not intentionally, but more incidentally in the midst of the chaos called intense grief. Losing my mother had a bigger impact on me than I realized. Until now.
By disordered eating, I don't necessarily mean just overeating--although that is part of the picture. I mean eating without focus. Absently munching on junk I don't need, barely thinking about it while eating. Going for most of the day ignoring hunger signs and then overeating the one meal I do eat. I haven't consciously gone to food for comfort, but I'm not sure that is always a conscious thing. Basically, it's throwing my body into digestive confusion by not being intentional with fueling it.
I took a book off the shelf last night that I've started to pull more than once in the past nearly-five years. Looking back, every time I've tried to pick it up, something inside me became almost angry at having to face the fact that I've probably gained back a good 40 of the 70 lbs. I lost. I honestly don't know, because I saw the scale as an arm of the Enemy out to destroy me. While I still don't ever intend to be a slave to a scale, I would really like to no longer fear it as one would fear an adversary.
I thought about doing this more publicly, posting it openly to my Facebook and asking for prayer, but for now I think I would like to just let God work in my heart and mind (and body) and search out what He wants to tell me and show me in this whole thing. I honestly believe the disordered eating was a direct result of the disordered thinking that set in when my world was rocked by my mother's death on Nov. 27th, 2005. My entire world changed when I became an orphan, and as hard as I have tried to remind myself that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and can never truly be alone, the loss has hurt more deeply than I've been able to word. I'm not sure I will ever be able to capture it in words, but I'd like to try. Maybe it will help to write it and read it back to myself.
I intend to read Thin Again and seek God's Word more diligently. We have so many great books in this house that contain encouragement toward a closer relationship with Him that there is no reason for me to be without reading material that will take the place of other activities that are more mindless and less focused (like hitting the Home and Notifications buttons on Facebook).
Maybe at some point I will share this journey by putting the link on Facebook. I will most likely share it from the beginning on RCW since it is my online house church and I trust my RealHaus sisters with my heart. I think I'm just feeling really small and vulnerable, and while I definitely want to be small again, I don't like this feeling of vulnerability one bit.
Ironically, yesterday before God fully laid it on my heart that "it is time", I jokingly asked Steve what amazing, mysterious, or cataclysmic thing was going to happen today, on 10-10-10. He said he hadn't heard of anything from any of the "sages" in the media. Maybe it was God having a bit of a chuckle when later in the evening, as I lay on our bed nearing midnight reading Thin Again at His prompting, I remembered today's date and the joke from earlier in the evening.
And so it begins. Thin again, starting 10-10-10. All poetry aside, I want this to be real.
By disordered eating, I don't necessarily mean just overeating--although that is part of the picture. I mean eating without focus. Absently munching on junk I don't need, barely thinking about it while eating. Going for most of the day ignoring hunger signs and then overeating the one meal I do eat. I haven't consciously gone to food for comfort, but I'm not sure that is always a conscious thing. Basically, it's throwing my body into digestive confusion by not being intentional with fueling it.
I took a book off the shelf last night that I've started to pull more than once in the past nearly-five years. Looking back, every time I've tried to pick it up, something inside me became almost angry at having to face the fact that I've probably gained back a good 40 of the 70 lbs. I lost. I honestly don't know, because I saw the scale as an arm of the Enemy out to destroy me. While I still don't ever intend to be a slave to a scale, I would really like to no longer fear it as one would fear an adversary.
I thought about doing this more publicly, posting it openly to my Facebook and asking for prayer, but for now I think I would like to just let God work in my heart and mind (and body) and search out what He wants to tell me and show me in this whole thing. I honestly believe the disordered eating was a direct result of the disordered thinking that set in when my world was rocked by my mother's death on Nov. 27th, 2005. My entire world changed when I became an orphan, and as hard as I have tried to remind myself that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and can never truly be alone, the loss has hurt more deeply than I've been able to word. I'm not sure I will ever be able to capture it in words, but I'd like to try. Maybe it will help to write it and read it back to myself.
I intend to read Thin Again and seek God's Word more diligently. We have so many great books in this house that contain encouragement toward a closer relationship with Him that there is no reason for me to be without reading material that will take the place of other activities that are more mindless and less focused (like hitting the Home and Notifications buttons on Facebook).
Maybe at some point I will share this journey by putting the link on Facebook. I will most likely share it from the beginning on RCW since it is my online house church and I trust my RealHaus sisters with my heart. I think I'm just feeling really small and vulnerable, and while I definitely want to be small again, I don't like this feeling of vulnerability one bit.
Ironically, yesterday before God fully laid it on my heart that "it is time", I jokingly asked Steve what amazing, mysterious, or cataclysmic thing was going to happen today, on 10-10-10. He said he hadn't heard of anything from any of the "sages" in the media. Maybe it was God having a bit of a chuckle when later in the evening, as I lay on our bed nearing midnight reading Thin Again at His prompting, I remembered today's date and the joke from earlier in the evening.
And so it begins. Thin again, starting 10-10-10. All poetry aside, I want this to be real.
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