32: Thin Again

I finished Thin Within this morning and got started on Thin Again. I was chatting with some friends today and I mentioned Thin Within. Someone quipped that it's better than the alternative. To which I responded (obviously without much thought), "What? Stout Without?" It made me laugh, and then I got to thinking that I'm really glad to be able to laugh about this journey I'm on, when just over a month ago I was feeling about as helpless and hopeless as humanly possible.

I noticed while going over the closing questionnaires in the TW book that my answers had definitely changed for the better, pretty much across the board. My relationship with God, my relationship with myself, my relationship with food--all have improved.

I wouldn't say my relationship with God was suffering, at least not overtly, but it isn't hard to see how bringing my eating habits under control and putting the focus back where it should be has enriched and fused the bond between us.

My feelings about myself have markedly changed. I think it goes way deeper than me just being glad I'm not as "fluffy" as I was before. I'm wondering if me liking myself more has more to with the fact that I allowed God to do a work in me that He has been wanting to do, has been waiting until I was ready for it in the aftermath of my mother's death. Maybe it's partly because I know my health is going to be better for this, and I stand a better chance of being around for my kids and not contributing to the likelihood of my children losing their mother too young. I think those are the real reasons why I like me more.

As for my relationship with food, it is back to simply being fuel for my body. Not a sedative, not a comforter, not a drug to dull sadness or grief or lack of understanding, not a cure for boredom, not something to do while I watch TV or work on the computer. Just fuel. Tasty and enjoyable, but fuel nonetheless. It just doesn't have quite the appeal it did and doesn't fill gaps it was never meant to fill. It isn't replacing God in any area of my life. I would say that is a much improved relationship.