34: A Bit of Back Story

Tidbits:

• My tummy is growling loudly. Guess it's time for breakfast.
• A cool thing happened this morning. I noticed that my watch is turning around loosely on my wrist. That hasn't happened in years.

On to the Back Story

I thought I would share a bit of "back story" on my journey, as shared with a friend this morning.

Ten years ago I went from 205 down to 137 using the TW principles, and it's the ONLY time in my life (until now) when I truly loved myself and saw myself as worthy of anyone's love or affection or even notice. I have serious emotional baggage from an abusive, dysfunctional childhood that God has truly delivered me from, and TW is a big part of that deliverance.

I gained up to about 150 and stayed there for about five years. Then my mother died, and I slowly over the next five years gained back up to around 185. Wrong direction, and my self-image issues started showing up again, only this time it was more apathy than loathing. Both are destructive and NOT God's plan for His daughters! So I am so glad He put me back on the path with TW a bit over a month ago. It is making such a huge difference. I've gone from a size 16 back down to a 12 and I'm not far from a 10 (some 10's fit me, but not all yet).

I don't know how much I weigh right now because I hate the scale, but about three weeks ago just a couple of weeks into TW I was at around 181 and I know I've lost more since then. I would be happy to get back to 150 or so even, but I want to depend on God for my ideal size. I looked and felt GREAT at 140 (my mother told me she couldn't believe I weighed that much, so I must have carried it pretty well) so personally I would love to be back to 140 if God wills it. It's still more than "the experts" say I should weigh for my height (5'2"), but I know how I looked and felt then, and I'd love that. :)

I was once the queen of internal hateful dialogue. I got way too good at it, but I am so glad to say not only am I not SAYING it any more, I'm not FEELING it any more! The only reason I will never do another "diet" (unless of course a health issue requires it--which hopefully won't happen with my health improving dramatically since being back on the TW path) is that they DO NOT WORK, especially for me. If I'm counting calories/fat grams/carbs or depriving myself of any one food or drink or focusing on food in any fashion, it sabotages what God wants to do in me. I love the feature of Thin Within where each daily reading section has a "Medical Moment" with interesting and helpful facts about the way the body works by God's design and how this all fits together. I don't ever plan to do another diet. TW is the only way I have ever "succeeded", and the lifestyle fits me like a glove. I couldn't be happier with it.

It's much harder to stop the negative self-talk than meets the eye, and I believe the reason for that is because the heart it's springing from has to change first. Here's one way to think about it: say for example your child as a teen for whatever reason has decided he hates you. You can do everything in the world to persuade him that it hurts you, that it hurts God, that it hurts him, that it isn't nice, that it isn't accurate, that he is wrong, that he is misunderstanding, etc. You can force him to be nice to you because you are the parent with the "power" to punish. But true change won't take place until his heart changes toward you and love replaces hate naturally.

The same applies to your self-loathing. You can train yourself not to say mean things about yourself. You can stand in front of the mirror and repeat the mantras "I am beautiful." "I am God's child." "God doesn't make junk, so I am not junk" Blah, blah, blah. It might "train" you not to say those things as often, but you will still think them inwardly (which isn't much improvement, save for the fact that you're not annoying everyone around you LOL). The REAL change will happen when you STOP loathing yourself and you stop WANTING to say those things. That is real liberation! :)